MAGA closes a door, it opens a window

 Wondering how to surprise your friend's daughter for her quinceanera or bat mitzvah?  How about a personalized greeting from almost-Attorney General Matt Gaetz?  Cameo, employer of last resort for George Santos and Rudolph Giuliani, has signed another prestigious client.  For only $500 the former Congressman will tell her how grown up and pretty she is and hardly make her feel dirty at all.  Book now before the Christmas rush!

The vote counting is over in Maine, and state representative Lucas Lanigan has won re-election by a single vote.  He could still get ten years in the slammer and a big fine for trying to strangle his wife -- he surrendered to police shortly before the election -- but it looks like the charge appealed to just enough Republican voters.  (Mrs. Lanigan found him and his paramour in a storage unit, which is quirky and fun.)  

Help wanted:  Georgia Health Commissioner Kathleen Toomey has fired every member of the Maternal Mortality Review Committee because ProPublica got the story of Candi Miller and Amber Thurman, two women who died because they were unable to get timely abortion care.  According to Dr. Toomey, preventing further needless deaths was less important than respecting the confidentiality of the two women who are already dead.  

For obvious reasons the Leader hates inspectors general, those officials in every federal agency charged with investigating and exposing what's delicately called "malfeasance."  Some have already quit, having failed to learn Snyder's First Law ("Do not obey in advance").  Now the rest have a champion in a most unlikely quarter.  Chuck Grassley wrote a law in 2022 to prevent IGs from being fired "without a substantive rationale," and says he's willing to fight for it.  Chuck!  Look out!  He's behind you!


The counter-terrorism job at the National Security Council has been filled.  What better place for ex-Orban adviser Sebastian Gorka?  Ambassador to Equatorial Guinea?  

Oklahoma Senator and president of the Shitty Beard Club Markwayne Mullin is not impressed with at least one rape accusation against Pete Hegseth, dismissing it as "flirting."  Hasn't everyone paid women off to keep quiet about flirting?  Let's ask the Leader.  Public nuisance Alex Jones has no opinion on Hegseth but praises Matt Gaetz as "quite the stud."  I detect a trace of envy.  There's not enough Ecstasy or liquor in this country to get a 17-year-old into a hotel room with Alex Jones.

Terry Bollea -- you may know him better as Hulk Hogan -- was last seen at Madison Square Garden struggling to tear off his shirt.  Now he's telling people that the Leader wants him to head the President's Council on Physical Fitness.  So two figures from professional wrestling in the same administration.  How I wish Gorgeous George was here to see it.




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