Rest easy

Middletown Township, Pennsylvania, can "rest easy," according to Joe Bartorilla, chief of police.  A suspect has been arrested in the decapitation of a man in his sixties, discovered in his bathroom.  The suspect is his 33-year-old son Justin Mohn.  Police interest was piqued by a YouTube video in which the son displayed the severed head and ranted about Joe Biden, "far-left woke mobs" and LGBTQ people, describing his father as "now in hell for eternity as a traitor to his country."  The video has been deleted, but the psychosis behind it continues to stalk the nation.

As witness after witness declines to testify to a single action by Joe Biden that could be called an ordinary misdemeanor, much less a high crime, Comer and the Comettes grow daily more frustrated.  The best they've come up with so far is Eric Schwerin, family friend and business partner of Hunter Biden, who did some bookkeeping for Joe Biden and maybe picked up his dry cleaning once.  "He never charged Joe Biden -- that is a gift, that is a clear ethics violation," cried Comer, who must be getting daily calls from Orange Jesus ("I just need you to find me one impeachment").  Next month the increasingly desperate Comer gang will interview James Biden, the president's brother, who may at last disclose how Joe stole his Bill Mazeroski rookie card and put bubble gum in his thermos.

Trump may have to be satisfied with the impeachment of DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for failing to enforce the border law that the Republicans refuse to pass.  Speaker Mike says he wasn't ordered by Trump to kill the measure, but they spoke.  Since God also speaks to Mike on the regular, it must be hard to tell them apart.  The House is considering another bill to extend tax credits to low-income families, but that must not pass for the same reason -- it might help Biden in the election.

If he lives that long.  With little left to lose, Nikki Haley has resumed predicting Biden's imminent demise.  "There will be a woman president in America," she told Hugh Hewitt.  "It's either going to be me or it's going to be Kamala Harris."  Whereupon Hewitt began to weep.  To frighten the racists and misogynists even more, the right periodically floats the absurd notion than Michelle Obama will be substituted for Biden in a last-minute bait-and-switch, but nobody takes it seriously except the wagering community.  According to something called DL News, something called Polymarket ("The World's Largest Prediction Market") gives Mrs. Obama a 4 percent chance of winning.  "Speculators have already bet $2.3 million," they add.  What odds are they giving for a state funeral in Biden's immediate future?  What rabbit hole have I fallen down?

This is Clarice Schillinger, former candidate for lieutenant governor of Pennsylvania.  I'll let you guess which party.  She was head of Back to School USA, which targeted "liberal teachers' unions" working to achieve "a new Godless global society."  She's been charged with throwing a drunken party for her daughter's seventeenth birthday that served liquor to minors, leading to multiple assaults.  Guests as young as fifteen were threatened if they tried to leave.  Some uncool parent called the police.  Are the libs screaming, Clarice?  No, they're laughing.

The Taylor Swift kerfuffle has blossomed into a colossal brouhaha and shows no sign of deflating, at least for the next two weeks, the period known to believers as the Superbowl vigil.  Really, someone should bring out an Advent-style calendar with a fresh idiocy and a chocolate behind each window.  She's an agent of the Pentagon.  She's trying to break up the Chiefs the way Yoko Ono didn't break up the Beatles.  She's a gold-digger who latched onto Travis Kelce to share his $70,000 AFC championship bonus.  (She's one of the world's wealthiest women and all by her own efforts.)  She's flying in from Tokyo on game day, which proves she's a hypocrite about climate change.  Funniest comment so far, from some cafone named Scott Greer:  "To those who might say, 'The Right needs its own Taylor Swift for young women to look up to!' I answer we already have that.  Her name is Lauren Boebert."  Could he have been serious?  

According to Rolling Stone, which has pretty good sources where pop culture is concerned, "MAGAland's upper crust"* is planning "holy war" against Swift.  Trump, who still resents her Time Person of the Year designation, insists to his inner circle that he is more popular than she is.  Careful, Donnie, that's a fight you can't win.  Recall John Lennon's comparison of the Beatles with Jesus. 

You know who I feel sorry for?  Usher, who said he looks forward to crossing "Superbowl half-time show" off his bucket list.  In any other year...

 *Trumpers who wear shoes even when indoors.