We're through the looking glass
The Onion wins auction to take control of Alex Jones's Infowars
That's from today's Onion. No, wait -- checks notes -- that's from Jeff Bezos's burlesque daily the Washington Post.
What the hell?
"The Onion is proud to acquire Infowars, and we look forward to continuing its storied tradition of scaring the site's users with lies until they fork over their cold, hard cash," said Onion CEO Ben Collins. The former owner called the bidding process "rigged" and blamed Democrats, unless that's an Onion version of an Alex Jones rant. Who even knows anymore? At some point reality mated with "reality" and they had a litter of incredulities. For example:
Attorney General Matt Gaetz. Roll that around on your tongue. Gaetz resigned from Congress yesterday, hours before the House Ethics Committee was to release its report on his drug-fueled sex-capades (alleged!). They can't touch him now, but if the evidence is bad enough they can refer it to -- Attorney General Matt Gaetz! See how it works? Apparently it could have been worse, as always where Trump is concerned. The Guardian says he considered Texas scofflaw Ken Paxton.
All right, calm down. Have a drink.
How about Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard? It's easy when you don't know what words mean, words like "tariff" and "asylum" and "intelligence." John Bolton, nobody's idea of a liberal hero, demands FBI investigations into Gaetz and Gabbard " since "he's sending a signal that we have lost our mind when it comes to collecting intelligence." Which is precisely why Gaetz wants to break up the FBI. All future nominees will be vetted by the HR department at NewsNation.
To the disappointment of many, Tony Hinchcliffe was passed over as Secretary of State in favor of Marco Rubio. MSNBC, which didn't get the memo about not obeying in advance, calls him "a pretty responsible and solid choice," I guess because he's on the Foreign Relations Committee and has not called for war with Iran. He also implied that Trump is no Arnold Palmer, and such offenses are not forgotten. Now he'll be available for regular humiliation.
"I am pleased to announce that the Highly Respected former governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, has been nominated to be The United States Ambassador to Israel. Mike has been a great public servant, Governor, and Leader in Faith for many years. He loves Israel, and the people of Israel, and likewise, the people of Israel love him. Mike will work tirelessly to bring about Peace in the Middle East!"
Yes, the people love him, until he starts evangelizing them. Temple Mount? Dome of the Rock? Let's compromise and turn it into a Baptist Megachurch. Y'all come to Jesus so we can get this Millennium started!
When I heard that a Fox News lifeform would be Secretary of Defense I was afraid it would be Sean Hannity, but apparently Trump needs him and Jesse Watters where they are now, available for the administration of tongue baths whenever someone is mean to him. Also not Gutfeld! or either Doocy. Sorry, Judge Pirro, war is no place for womenfolk. That's the opinion of nominee Pete Hegseth, who has a weekend job on Fox Business. He has other interesting opinions about DEI (bad) and Christofascism (yay!), and "Trump thinks he has the look," whatever that means. (Lloyd Austin clearly does not have the look.) Hegseth is considered Most Likely to Be a Recess Appointment because even Republicans are hesitant about confirming him. He is said to have the words "Deus Vult" ("God wills it," the motto of the First Crusade in 1096) and a Jerusalem cross tattooed on his wherever. Huckabee is probably a slightly better choice for ambassador to Israel.
Not that it really matters, because the Leader wants to create a "warrior board" of retired generals and admirals to purge anyone regarded as disloyally "woke" and likely to remember they swore to uphold the Constitution, not the Executive. In fact, why not institute a personal oath like the one taken by Hitler's generals, who were totally loyal and never tried to kill him no matter what John Kelly says. Dogs are loyal, too, but Trump dislikes them. It's a paradox!
Back in 2016 Rubio and Elise Stefanik confirmed that Vladimir Putin helped the Trump campaign. Now they have their rewards, with Stefanik shunted off to the UN and Rubio to State, both signals that Trump has no real interest in the world and wants to render them harmless. Also, fuck yeah, Putin helped, and he did it again this year and who cares who knows it now? Whaddaya gonna do about it? You're nothing but a pack of cards!
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