A noun, a verb and spare a quarter?

 

Won't you help?

Rudolph Giuliani is broke.  He can't even afford a cab, he says.  He has no checking account or credit cards, he says.  Mean old Judge Lewis J. Liman "ruled against us on everything" and won't postpone his trial so he can attend the inauguration of the Leader, despite being Leader-appointed.  ("He's a serious left-wing Democrat," Giuliani says.)  There's a trial because he just can't stop defaming Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman, to whom he owes $148 million, and from whom he has been hiding assets as if they were a couple of ex-wives.  

Do you want America's Mayor eating Thanksgiving dinner at a shelter in the city he used to run, standing in line with a tray and hoping they don't run out of sweet potato pie?  I know I do, but maybe you're a better person.  I'm not asking you to text 9112001 to FEEDRUDY.  It's up to you.  Don't think about Desmond Robinson or Amadou Diallo or Abner Louima.  Don't think about the firefighters in the towers whose radios were inadequate.  Think about poor Rudy sleeping on Andy's couch (his daughter Caroline isn't speaking to him) and bumming cigars from strangers.  Then, as the Leader would say, do whatever the hell you want.

Of course it's a random adorable beagle.  Who wants to look at Giuliani?

I don't believe a word of his poor-mouthing.  He may not be tooling around in Lauren Bacall's Mercedes anymore, but he's not thumbing rides or sleeping in a tunnel.  There are so many places in the world for weasels to stash money and then lie to judges; entire countries base their economy on beating the tax man.  It's infuriating.  Don't defame people and you won't have to call your guy in Jersey or the Caymans every week.  Too bad, because if anyone deserved to be squeegeeing windshields at the Midtown Tunnel...

I hate the holidays, most especially the newest ritual of avarice Black Friday, the retail Hunger Games where people kill one another over cheap flatscreen TVs.  I hate the vast open-air commercial for Macys that paralyzes most of Manhattan.  The sound of sleigh bells makes my sphincter contract.  The last thing about the holidays I enjoyed was the tree in front of Fox News bursting into flames.  (Of course they blamed sabotage.)  My favorite Christmas movie is The Lady in the Lake.  Whoever vandalized the headstone of Ebenezer Scrooge is a legend.

He spoke for all of us when he said "Humbug."