You can't make this up

 Trump went into the rural to assure farmers that he will improve their machinery by rolling back "environmental restrictions," which he naturally blamed on Joe Biden.  He's an expert because he buys a lot of equipment to manicure his golf courses, which is practically like farming.  "They put these environmental excesses on the equipment which don't do a damn thing except make it complicated, make it impractical...you need about 185 IQ to turn on a lawnmower...the old days you used to fix it yourself.  Now you can't do that, you have to be a Ph.D. from let's say MIT."  Protecting the environment is the epitome of woke, and any red-blooded American farmer could fix a lawn mower.  A combine harvester or a seed drill, maybe not, but who needs them anyway?  Remember, Trump thinks Barron is a genius because he can turn on a computer.

Then he promised them $12 billion to cushion the blow caused by his absurd tariffs, money they would otherwise have earned by selling crops to countries like China.  He boasted that his tariffs made the bailout possible, not mentioning that they also made it necessary.  He must think farmers are stupid.  Meanwhile head spokesmodel Karoline Leavitt went on Newsmax to lie that China did not purchase American soybeans during the Biden administration.  She thinks we're all stupid.

The tourism industry is struggling for a variety of political and economic reasons, but apparently not enough.  Not only are visitors from more than thirty countries banned outright but others will be subjected to Orwellian examination of their social media from the last five years.  Along with exorbitant visa charges, these measures should keep out the Islamic and other riffraff.  (Perhaps the extra admission charges could be used to bail out resorts, hotels, airlines and other victims of the extra admission charges.  Governing is easy!)

So much DEI to root out, so little Marco time.  In 2023 Antony Blinken changed the State Department's typeface from Times New Roman to Calibri to make it more legible for readers with disabilities and those who use screen readers.  Don't worry, it's being changed back because fuck the disabled.   Does this ass make my country look small?

Trump popped a couple of Adderall and made us all dumber with a marathon blurp about...topics.  It's now seditious and treasonous to "libel and demean 'THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES'" (his punctuation) by questioning his mental sharpness.  Evan Hurst at Wonkette read it so you don't have to, and I can't improve on his analysis.  

Then for reasons I can't even begin to fathom he gave an interview to Politico devoted to trashing Mayor Sadiq Khan of London.  Last time it was the election of Zohran Mamdani that set him off, before they met and fell in love.  This time it's probably an extension of his Ilhan Omar obsession, which surfaced during the Pennsylvania hate rally:  "Ilhan Omar, whatever the hell her name is.  With her little turban.  I love her...She's garbage.  Her friends, garbage.  We ought to get her the hell out!  She married her brother!  Therefore she's here illegally!" etc.)  As for Sir Sadiq, "He's an incompetent mayor but he's a horrible, vicious, disgusting mayor.  London's a different place.  I love London.  I love London.  And I hate to see it happen."  It's so sad.  He only knows a few adjectives and some vestigial political sense keeps saying Don't call them racist names.  That leaves incompetent, garbage, disgusting, low IQ, ugly, fat slob and I can't wait for the safety brake to slip.  Free speech for Donnie!

Of course the Pennsylvanians didn't just come for the hate -- there was also shopping advice.  He's back to the dolls and the pencils, dementia aficionados:  "Under the China policy, you know, every child can get thirty-seven pencils.  They only need one or two, you know, they don't need that many.  But you always need, you know, you always need steel.  You don't need thirty-seven dolls for your daughter...so, uh, we're doing things right."  Some lucky kids are getting steel?  The fuck does China policy have to do with it?  I never got pencils and I turned out all right, in spite of an occasional urge to yell out the window like a Chayefsky character.  Pardon me a minute.

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We could learn from the "shithole countries."  Honduras has a warrant out for Narcopresidente Hernandez and Guatemala opens the holiday season with La Quema del Diablo ("Burning of the Devil") to purge evil before Christmas.  On Sunday el Diablo burned while holding the head of Donald Trump, more evil than usual.  Let's hope it works.

The DHS plans so many deportations -- it's the reason for the season! -- that they've ordered six Boeing 737s to serve as their own fleet, a snip at $140 million.   This is in addition to the his-&-hers Gulfstreams Kristi & Corey bought last month.  Once all the "garbage" is gone they can start their own airline.  Still rumors circulate that in spite of hailing "Daddy" as the Master of Hurricanes during the Klown Kabinet meeting, Noem may be replaced if he can find something worse.  How ya gonna keep 'er back in Pierre after she's seen DC?

Miami, you broke Laura Loomer's heart when you elected Eileen Higgins, another socialist, as your mayor instead of MAGA Emilio Gonzalez.  "A bright red city in a bright red state just went blue tonight," wrote the poet laureate of loony.  "Midterms will be a bloodbath."  Worse, "President Trump's Presidential library will now be constructed under the control of a rabidly anti-Trump Democrat who supports soft on crime policies."  She means Higgins won by emphasizing immigration policy.

By the way, Miami Dade College probably broke the law in donating land for this "library," which is supposed to be 47 stories (get it?), higher than the pathetic Obama library in Chicago because size is important.  With a hotel, offices and "a beautiful restaurant at the top."  Yeah, Eric's in charge.  

Loomer was too devastated to mention it but a patch of blue appeared in Georgia, too -- Eric Gisler flipped the 121st House district, which Trump won big only last year.  Could 2026 be the year we finally rid ourselves of Earl "Cruddy" Carter?  

Speaking of bizarre Congressional life forms, remember Andy Ogles?  Wants to put Dear Leader's fat face on Mount Rushmore?  To deport Zohran Mamdani?  Raised money for a "child burial garden" (stillborn babies and fetuses) which somehow vanished?  Etc., etc.  He's not happy about some judges in Nashville who dismissed a case against a man charged with sexual assault so he published their names and photos with the words, "As long as local liberals are running things in Middle Tennessee we are at war."  The Nashville courthouse has requested special security from the state.  But please tell us about all the leftist threats of violence.

Persistence, persistence...having failed to bully Colorado into releasing election felon Tina Peters, the Bondi Department's "Civil Rights" division has announced it's investigating the whole damn state prison system for "failing to provide adequate medical care and safe sanitary physical conditions," according to assistant bondi Harmeet Dhillon.  "Prisoners have civil rights," Dhillon actually wrote.  Now do Texas!

Speaking of prisoners' rights, a favorite ICEstapo tactic is to hang around courthouses and grab people who are keeping their next appointment in the draconian process of becoming a citizen.  A young woman from Guatemala appeared before Judge Ann Aiken in Eugene, Oregon, and said she had not eaten for nearly a day.  Enraged, the judge ordered her fed at once and later dismissed the case, since they've been trying to deport her since 2017, way over the 90-day limit.  One happy ending.

This just in:  The US Coast Guard seized a Venezuelan oil tanker off the nation's coast, just in case it was loaded with fentanyl.  Which kills a million Americans a year.  I hope I've got that right.  

According to holidays-and-observances.com this is the Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales.  I have to check this out.