The answer
"I'm the president and the Speaker."
What did the dummy have to say about last Tuesday?
"There were no surprises. What happened last night is blue states and blue cities voted blue. We all saw that coming, and no one should read too much into last night's election results."
Sorry to have to disagree, Charlie -- uh, Mikey. What happened was a national referendum on the guy with his hand up your ass. To win, all you needed was a (D) next to your name. Millions of people remembered that hilarious AI of Trump shit-bombing America and said, "No, we're shitting on you and your creepy cult of fascist body snatchers who replaced the Republican Party. Now look up and open wide."
In Mississippi, where only the sky is blue, voters flipped two seats in the state senate. The Republican supermajority established in 2019 is no more.
In Wichita, Kansas, Democrats will control the school board with a 5-2 majority, because people are tired of book-banning, demonizing of LGBTQ people and teacher intimidation. Here's what AFT president Randi Weingarten said about similar cities:
If seats on the Republican state committees had been on the ballot, Democrats would somehow have won them.
It wasn't just Trump's lies, greed and toxic narcissism; we were familiar with them from 2017-21. You decided on a flood-the-zone tactic of more outrages every single day than anyone could process, much less protest. At the end of the day, most people are not policy wonks -- we just want a government that chugs along and leaves us alone to deal with our own lives. You gave us no choice.
We don't want armed, masked thugs on our streets, zip-tying anyone who crosses their path, bombing us with tear gas, putting our neighbors in unmarked vans or in the hospital, because they have a daily quota to fill, while you assure us you're making our cities safer. We don't want Interior handing out oil leases in national parks. We hate seeing our neighbors lining up at food pantries because you don't obey court orders you don't like. We know you people we elected to represent us are drawing a salary to do nothing because you're afraid of the gentlelady from Arizona. We dread opening that letter from NeverPay Health Insurance informing us that our monthly premium is now higher than the mortgage.
Are we proud that the world's most powerful navy continues to blast tiny boats out of the water? Rand Paul says they would need to refuel twenty times to reach Florida. Do we like quoting Rand Paul? Of course not but when he's right, he's right. No matter how much the ventriloquist inflates the number of fentanyl deaths, it's not coming from Venezuela. (And where does Junior's cocaine come from?)
We want to be friends with Canada again, and all the other countries we insult and vilify. We're resigned to being embarrassed by the ventriloquist's fantasies about steam catapults and vaccines and how solar energy doesn't work at night -- other countries are also governed by idiots. But we're tired of being called antisemites when we complain about atrocities in Gaza, where food is also being used as a weapon.
We grieve for the White House most of us will never tour, gone forever. We don't want a copy of the Arc de Triomphe built in Washington, with or without a gold-plated statue. If we want to see a knockoff of Paris, there's one in Las Vegas with a little Tour Eiffel too. And fountains.
You're lucky, Mikey -- you don't have to attend the Cabinet meetings/stroke sessions, where Dear Leader is praised like a pharaoh. But you can do something about the loyalty test being added to federal job applications. Can you see how outrageous this is? Like the non-disclosure agreements already being demanded of the military. They're not underage spa attendants at Mar a Lago, they work for us.
If nothing changes, if it gets worse, you know what will happen. You're not as dumb as you pretend to be so you can keep the big office and the big gavel. Only you can re-open Congress and I suggest you do it now.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
***
Meanwhile it's the same old.
If you were wondering why the big announcement for weight loss drugs, the Independent reports that in addition to race, gender (or refusal to pick one), national origin and having an unflattering picture of Vance on your phone, obese people and diabetics may now be denied a visa on the grounds that they might become a "public charge." As "Dr." Oz proudly stated, "Our estimate, based on the company numbers as well, is that Americans will lose 135 billion pounds by the midterms." Somebody did a quick calculation based on current population (342 million) and found that everyone will have to lose about 390 pounds, including babies and supermodels. Short answer: Trump hates fat people women.
Cornell University grovels: For a $60 million bribe the federal government will restore $250 million in research funding. Olbermann is going to be pissed.
Forbes reports that when Coast Guard personnel begin to be paid again they can run straight to the CG Exchange and purchase Trump brand wine and cider. That should be enough to end the shutdown.
Say goodbye to Szabad Europa. Kari "I'm the real governor of Arizona" Lake is shutting down the Hungarian-language service of Radio Free Europe for "undermining President Trump's foreign policy by opposing the duly elected prime minister Viktor Orban." The duly elected PM is visiting the ruins of the White House next week. RFE was started in 1949 to oppose prime ministers "duly elected" in one-party states like East Germany, Albania, Yugoslavia and Hungary.
Trump finally obeyed Mayor-elect Mamdani's call to "Turn up the volume" and didn't like what he heard. "I thought it was a very angry speech. Certainly toward me and I think he should be nice to me." Don't hog all the credit -- it was the combination of you, Miller and Musk endorsing Cuomo that put him over the top. The three of you could have made Charlie Manson mayor by supporting Vince Bugliosi.
In another example of the Trump Bump, Joe Khan has become the first Democrat elected district attorney of Bucks County, Pennsylvania, since -- checks notes -- 1891. Epic.
In the Best Groveling category Cornell has nothing on FIFA, the deliriously corrupt body that governs international kickball. At next month's World Cup draw president Gianni Infantino will present the newly concocted FIFA Peace Prize to Guess Who to "recognize exceptional actions for peace" (don't mention Venezuela). Also, Ivanka has been appointed to the board of a $100 million "education project" to be funded by ticket sales. NOW will he shut up about the Nobel?
Right now Gavin Newsom is representing the US at the United Nations climate conference in Brazil. Newsom appointed himself "because of the complete abdication of the Trump administration that is joining the Saudis and Russia and the Gulf states." Governors Tony Evers (Wisconsin) and Michelle Lujan Grisham (New Mexico) accompanied him but, as Politico notes, "they don't have the heft of the world's fourth-largest economy behind them."
Gavin, be grateful he was born in Uganda.
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