Passing the torch

 

My grandmother had Alzheimer's.  One day she wandered away from home and was found the following day.  She had been hit by a train but it was determined that she died of exposure after lying down on the track.  I still remember my grandfather describing the moment he opened her purse and smelled honeysuckle.  She spent her last day picking flowers.

Trump has plenty of people to make sure he doesn't get lost, including the prime minister of Japan, but his domestic minders have decided it's time to start labeling things.  Jared Moskowitz suggests that this is to prevent him from demolishing the West Wing, too, while Malcolm Kenyatta observes that it "looks like shit."  Imagine the signage inside -- "Situation Room," "Executive Toilet," "Susie Wiles."  Is there still a direct line to the Kremlin as there was during the Cold War?  Does he ever use it to order Coke?

Alzheimer's is a terrible thing, the price we pay for living so much longer than our ancestors, and I wish someone would find a way to end it.  Until then it's a fact of life we can't afford to ignore.  Love them or loathe them, we have politicians who stay too long at the fair.  Chuck Grassley was born during FDR's first term and is third in the line of presidential succession.  Strom Thurmond remained in the Senate until he died at 100.  Historians may have to argue about how Joe Biden's age (and public perceptions of it) contributed to the end of American democracy.

Sadness and relief in equal measure follow the announcement that Nancy Pelosi will retire after her current term in the House, where she has served since 1987.  As Speaker (2007-2011, 2019-2023) and as the representative of San Francisco she accomplished much, especially for the LGBTQ community.  She goes out with a win, having worked to pass California's Proposition 50 with 63 percent of the vote.  And with a bang:  in a farewell interview with CNN she called Trump "a vile creature, the worst thing on the face of the earth."

The election this week signaled that the Democratic Party doesn't just need young blood, it has found it -- in Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Jasmine Crockett, Zohran Mamdani, Abigail Spanberger, Gavin Newsom, Brian Schatz, Eric Swalwell, Ted Lieu, Maxwell Frost, Stacey Abrams -- even J.B. Pritzker is only 60.  Jerry Nadler is also retiring and Chuck Schumer is my age.  What Lincoln called "the dogmas of the quiet past" won't work anymore because like Lincoln, we're at war.

Enjoy a long and healthy retirement, Madam Speaker Emerita.  Spoil your grandchildren and their children.   And mangia -- you're so thin!

For those panicking about Sharia law...

Let's check in with MAHA (stands for Making America Healthy Again but always reminds me of an ancient Three Stooges routine).  In the carefully labeled Oval Office Mehmet Oz announced, "We've dropped the price of fertility drugs to make lots of Trump babies," causing many to taste vomit.  I didn't know Medicare/Medicaid controlled drug prices.  Then Gordon Findlay of Novo Nordisk collapsed and had to be revived by paramedics.  His company makes the obesity drugs Wegovy and Zepbound.  Then Trump revealed that Steven Cheung is a customer.  It was a typical morning at the palace.

Is he Stalin?  Is he Hitler?  Newsmax's Rob Finnerty says they're all wrong:  Zohran Mamdani is "right up there with Jefferson Davis."  (He thoughtfully explained to the Newsmax audience that Davis was president of the Confederacy, though it wasn't clear if that was meant as praise.)  Finnerty nearly had a hemorrhage because Ilhan Omar "tweeted 'Praise be to Allah' in Arabic."  "That's a normal thing for a US Congresswoman to do, isn't it?"  Yes, if that's the first language of many of her constituents.  Would Mandarin or Creole trigger you less?

If you eat imported foods, tariffs may not be your biggest worry.  Pro Publica says FDA inspections of foreign food facilities are at historic lows because of deep staffing cuts stemming from the DOGE plague.  Most of our seafood and half our fresh fruit is imported and according to one safety inspector "It's only a matter of time before people die."  Time to get started on those Trump babies.  (Urggh -- excuse me.)

Food banks are popping up everywhere, from Brooklyn Campaign Against Hunger to the Jimmy Kimmel Live!  parking lot but America's shame has now gone global.  A website for the US Army in Bavaria instructed service personnel to go to German food banks before it was deleted.  Remember those ads for Katz's Deli -- "Send a salami to your boy in the army"?  Now is the time.

Chalk up another loss for Jeanine Pirro:  "Sandwich guy" Sean Dunn was acquitted of assault by a federal jury.  It took several hours of deliberations, mainly because the jurors were starving for lunch after hearing testimony about "the onions and the mustard" all over his victim's Kevlar vest.  

Ivanka Trump is not much of a room-reader.  As 42 million Americans await the partial SNAP benefits court-ordered yesterday, members of the military are urged to mooch off Germans and health insurance premiums get ready to explode, Princess was in Bentonville, Arkansas, to promote her new company Planet Harvest, which proposes to lessen food waste by "finding markets for surplus or 'off-grade' fresh fruits and vegetables."  In other words, selling overripe bananas and slightly wilted lettuce to the desperate can be a source of profit.  And make people healthy!  

We don't know what caused the horrific crash at Louisville but another was barely averted in Cleveland, where a Southwest Boeing 737 swerved to avoid a medical helicopter.  They came within half a mile of each other.  Starting tomorrow entire airports may be shut down.

If you can't get to grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, maybe it's not such a bad thing.  Oreo just unveiled its "Oreo Thanksgiving Dinner Cookie Tin," including the new flavors Turkey and Stuffing, Creamed Corn and Cranberry Sauce.  Not to be outdone, Kraft announced an Apple Pie mac and cheese flavor which they call "familiar and adventurous."  I call it an abomination from Satan's microwave and I send it back there.  Probably not a single organic ingredient.

Everything is fine at the FBI.  Kash Patel fired four agents who investigated the January 6 coup attempt.  Then he re-hired them because Jeanine Pirro said they were working on cases for her.  Then he fired them again.  This doesn't begin to describe the chaos, revenge-taking and morale lower than wet shit on the bottom of the Potomac.  Organized crime should declare a holiday and send everyone to Fiji.  By the time they get back the feds will be wiretapping themselves.

"No one will ever replace Charlie...but I do see some similarities between my husband and J.D.," Erika Kirk was heard to say as she welcomed Vance to a TPUSA event in Mississippi.  Nobody expects her to wear black forever like Queen Victoria but she didn't waste much time pulling out the leather pants.  What is it, two months?

Get a room, you kids.