Life in Trumpania
Today in malicious prosecutions: U.S. District Judge Cameron Currie dismissed the charges against James Comey and New York attorney general Letitia James. Meanwhile the "Department of War" announced via X that it may proceed with a court martial of Senator Mark Kelly for "actions intended to interfere with the loyalty, morale, or good order and discipline of the armed forces."
Last week Sean Duffy urged Americans to bring about a "golden age of travel" by dressing better and being courteous. It worked! Today the Transportation Security Administration issued a press release using the Pyongyang template: "Thanks to President Trump and Secretary Noem, America is entering a Golden Age of Travel as record numbers of holiday travelers are taking to the skies. The majority of TSA's Top 10 Travel Days have happened since President Trump took office..." It's a miracle. Not like last year's holiday travel when we all rode in sleighs over the river and through the woods.
The economy must be on life support if Fox News has decided to share this with its viewers. But they had good advice for Americans headed to Grandmother's house: "Remember, adults don't need gifts, OK? Focus on the people in your life who are age 3 to 18." Tell us more, internet personality Jade Warshaw. "If you're living in an apartment, sometimes you have to go from a two-bedroom to a one-bedroom...If you can't pay off your car in the next eighteen months, yeah, you need to consider selling it." Jade's married to Dave Ramsey, who admits to a net worth of $200 million from his various hustles. Dana Perino burbled, "Jade, you're a breath of fresh air and such a bright light." Wait till she hears about Ebenezer Scrooge.
If you're taking Jade's advice about not buying slippers for Granny, how about sending her a check for basic necessities? The Washington Post reports that rising electricity costs have led to a massive increase in people having their utilities shut off. Data centers using vast amounts of electricity are a major reason.
After a decade of promising something much better than the Affordable Care Act, Trump decided last week to demand that his underlings figure it out by the end of the month. This is what they came up with: A two-year extension of Obamacare subsidies.
The jewel of foreign policy, the one that will force those smug Norwegians to come up to Donny with tears in their eyes and say, "Sir, we were wrong, please accept this Peace Prize and a case of turtle wax," is the war in Ukraine. How many times were we told it was done and dusted apart from the signatures on the treaty and the vodka toasts? Last August in Alaska? But Marco Rubio is so busy vetting everybody who wants to attend the World Cup he has no time for anything else. So when a detailed peace plan landed on his desk, how was he to know it was freshly translated from Russian? Didn't the cream of our diplomats, from First Son-in-Law Jared Kushner to property developer Steve Witkoff, assure him it was the best treaty of all time? All Ukraine has to do is give Russia everything it wants and apologize and promise never to obstruct its imperial plans again. Putin will even agree not to invade any other countries unless he really, really has to.
The RubioGPT response:
Oh, I nearly forgot the $100 billion in Russian assets frozen in several countries since the 2022 invasion. Right now real diplomats are meeting in Brussels to work out a way to support Ukraine by giving it the money. Trump's senses may be failing but he can still smell a payday -- he wants fifty percent as a "reparations loan." Putin needs the cash to pay his troops and maybe buy them some boots for the winter campaign. If Ukraine's sovereignty is saved by Trump's greed, so be it.
Ghislaine Maxwell has been subpoenaed by the House Oversight Committee but her lawyers say she will invoke the Fifth Amendment. Now it makes sense that she hasn't been pardoned -- a pardon constitutes an admission of guilt, which would nullify protection against self-incrimination. But she'll enjoy a day out and the media will swarm like hornets. Meanwhile the human trafficker enjoys a better life than the mobsters in GoodFellas, who had to do their own cooking.
Divorce rumors abound as Usha Vance is repeatedly spotted without her wedding ring. Not at all, says her spokesperson, she's "a mother of three young children who does a lot of dishes, gives lots of baths and forgets her ring sometimes." Sure, the wife of the vice president does dishes, when she's not at the laundromat waiting for a dryer to open up. As the British say, pull the other one, it's got bells on.
No, Jair Bolsonaro wasn't planning to avoid his 27-year prison sentence when he tried to remove his ankle monitor with a soldering iron -- he was suffering a psychotic attack after combining a powerful analgesic and an antidepressant. I'll have what he's having.
If you watched those ShamWow commercials on late-night television and thought, "That guy should be in Congress," you're in luck. Vince Offer, a/k/a Offer Vince Shlomi, has filed to run in the Texas 31st as a Republican (of course). You may have caught his "Woke Busters" video with Valentina Gomez, who failed to be elected secretary of state in Missouri and is also giving Texas a try. Like Trump, he should use his mug shot in campaign materials.
To be fair, he wasn't having a good night -- he was arrested for beating up a sex worker who allegedly tried to bite out his tongue. What Texas voter can't identify with that?
Like father, like sons: The companies overseen by Junior & Eric are tanking, with Trump Crime Enterprises losing a billion dollars this year due to the cryptocurrency free-fall. They'll be fine but a lot of MAGA faithful were wiped out. Eric's advice: "What a great buying opportunity."
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