Breaking dumb
When two clowns find themselves in possession of a $287 billion budget, it's hard to resist the urge to go shopping. So Kristi & Corey decided they could pick up two or three jets from bankrupt Spirit Airlines at a great price. Two or three? Why not ten? They were about to sign the contract when someone discovered that Spirit didn't actually own the planes and also, they had no engines. ("Engines sold separately," said the fine print.) So they bought a pair of his & hers Gulfstreams instead. But they still plan to throw themselves a parade when the last immigrant is gone and they're in Iowa talking to a certain Professor Hill about band instruments.
You may have thought the Christians' satanic panic was over for another year now that we're well past Halloween. You were wrong. The millions of moms who live in Monica Cole's head are in a sweat over cranberries. Specifically, Ocean Spray and its commercials for cranberry products featuring the mythical creature Cranpus, a version of the Krampus who accompanies St. Nicholas on his annual tour and punishes bad children. Cranpus steals cranberry products instead. He's portrayed by the similarly named actor Brian Cranston -- get it? Monica gets it -- Ocean Spray is in league with the devil. She has a petition. Monica finds the world of 2025 as haunted as seventeenth century Salem.
Tucker Carlson has found himself at the center of the MAGA debate over who's the most successful at antisemitism and whether palling around with Nick Fuentes makes him a Nazi, too. So he chose to talk to Megyn Kelly about his supernatural experience in 2023 and the bloody claw marks some demon inflicted on him. He now reports that UFOs are in fact "angels and demons" the Deep State doesn't want us to know about. Also, the government made a deal with the demons: In exchange for nuclear technology we have to endure babble about angels and demons.
Meanwhile Laura Loomer has opened up another front in the Antisemitism Wars by claiming that calls for Chuck Schumer to step aside as Senate minority leader are part of "a movement to remove all Jewish voices from politics." "I'm not a fan of Schumer, but we have to call a spade a spade. We are witnessing the beginning of a Pogrom in the United States." We are also witnessing a call for the mayor-elect of our largest city to be arrested and deported for the crime of being a Muslim but that's someone else's problem.
If you can't get to Cleveland to see the house from A Christmas Story, why not tour the old Trump place in Jamaica Estates, Queens? There's a plaque that reads, "In this bedroom President Donald J. Trump was likely conceived by his parents, Fred and Mary Trump," which leaves several other possibilities open. For some reason this modest Tudor is not a national historic site but it is for sale, asking price $2.3 million. The current owner carried out extensive renovations -- the mold problem is gone and you can hardly smell the many feral cats who once called it home.
Last February the satirical website dunning-kruger-times.com ran a story about Barack Obama being paid "royalties connected to Obamacare." After nine months it worked its way to Trump and sure enough, the avatar of Dunning-Kruger reposted it as fact, captioned "WOW!" He didn't read D-K's mission statement: "If you believe that it is real, you should have your head examined." By the MRI department at Walter Reed, presumably. In an interview with Laura Ingraham Trump then rolled out his long awaited "insurance plan," which turned out to be "give everybody a few thousand dollars and let them get their own healthcare," adding, "Call it Trumpcare!" Ka-ching! Royalties!
Remember the man who collapsed in the Oval Office, alarming everyone but Trump? Initially described as a drug company executive, it appears he was actually a satisfied patient brought along to sing the praises of Eli Lilly's diabetes treatment Ozempic, which has been adopted as a weight loss drug by people who don't have time for diet and exercise. Dizziness and fainting are listed as possible side effects, but he was probably just overawed to be so close to greatness, even if it was asleep. (Gavin Newsom has renamed Trump "the Nodfather" and thanked him for ending "wokeness.")
It's Veterans Day so Trump went out to Arlington to praise himself, trash our allies in the world wars, take all the credit for America ("We're the one that won the wars") and proclaim a new holiday, Victory Day. As in Victory Gin and Victory Mansions. He also loves the "beautiful B2 bombers that in an instant completely obliterated Iran's nuclear capability," which has what to do with November 11? I haven't checked but I'm sure there's a TruthSocial wishing everyone a "Happy Veterans Day including the Radical Left lunatics who rigged all those elections last week."
Hilariously, Trump attempted to sing "God Bless America" but bailed after the first three words. Too bad Captain Avila wasn't there.
Also on Veterans Day the National Association for Black Veterans in Oklahoma learned that funding cuts from the Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services will force its closure at the end of the month. But are they really veterans at all?
Jesse Watters, official arbiter of manliness, says you're not a Real Man if you cross your legs or eat an ice cream cone. He won't find this as funny as I do.
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