Fortress America

 As the Trump shutdown (of the federal government, not his personal mental collapse on the world stage) enters its fifth week, two state legislators in New Mexico remembered that Jeffrey Epstein owned a ranch in Santa Fe County.  Past investigations were inconclusive, hampered by overlapping state and federal jurisdictions, and in some cases the statute of limitations has come into effect.  But they hope to establish a bipartisan commission like those that looked into the 9/11 attacks and the January 6, 2021, coup attempt.  Witnesses have said that Epstein wanted to set up some sort of baby breeding facility at the Zorro Ranch because like Elon Musk, he was a proponent of eugenics, an idea whose time has returned, if you've been paying attention to Tucker Carlson and Brainworm Bob.

All is not lost, however -- November 10 is the fiftieth anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald in Lake Superior, and Kash Patel and his bosses will certainly want to get to the bottom of that, no pun intended.  Perhaps James Comer will hold hearings.  What did Gordon Lightfoot know and when did he know it?  Did you know the Fitz was an American ship?  The investigation, if properly handled, could last until the midterms.

The United States has a large carrier force in the Caribbean right now, making sure no one fishes off the coast of Venezuela (and possibly Colombia, whose president Trump called "a thug and a bad man").  Are they offering help to Jamaica, where Hurricane Melissa killed at least eight people and knocked out power for 70 percent of the country?  (Cuba is out of the question, I suppose.)  Of course not.  First things first.

And now I have to share the words of Rand Paul, because this is our new reality:

But we do "summarily execute people," because that too is our reality.  

So how has Grandpa shamed us since his wander around that Tokyo reception hall?  Glad you asked.  The gifted leader of the free world trotted out his "Indian accent" bit in a speech to an audience that included Prime Minister Modi, by way of explaining how his tariff threat ended its dispute with Pakistan.  To be fair, he did call Modi "nicest looking" and "tough as nails," so maybe the PM didn't object to the Spike Milligan routine.  (There was even time for a Biden diss.)  President Lee Jae Myung of South Korea, however, gave a master class in manipulating the old idiot when he presented Trump with a medal and a gold crown symbolizing "the strong leadership and authority of a leader," and he did it with a straight face.  I guess Julius Caesar is taught in Korean schools.  At lunch they served him "mini beef patties with ketchup" (Little Macs) and "Peacemaker's Dessert" (brownies adorned with gold).  Trump now belongs to the "Grand Order of Mugunghwa," which I seem to remember from the Raccoons Lodge on The Honeymooners.

It can't be good that Putin is being photographed in a military uniform.  After Trump helpfully advised him of an American submarine off the Russian coast they tested a Poseidon nuclear torpedo and Russian troops advanced into the Ukrainian city of Pokrovsk.  I wonder why we're learning today that US troops are being withdrawn from Romania.  

If you plan to visit America in the foreseeable future, a burner phone is recommended.  When not teargassing people for the crime of being outdoors in Chicago CBP is turning people away for having unflattering memes on their phones about King Donald or Crown Prince J.D.  You especially don't want to have this:

The great Nigerian writer Wole Soyinka, winner of the Nobel Prize for literature, was curtly told to bring his passport to the US consulate so they could personally cancel his visa.  Soyinka once held a green card and taught in American universities for thirty years, but he destroyed it in 2016 after Trump was elected.  He believes referring to Trump as "Idi Amin in white face" precipitated his banning from the country.  ("I thought I was paying him a compliment -- he's been behaving like a dictator.")  In fact all citizens of Nigeria, Ghana, Cameroon and Ethiopia are now limited to single-entry three-month visas under the new "Boers only" policy.  They're not just afraid of 91-year-old writers.

Now that Trump has stripped Fox News of all its finest, booziest minds it looks like Newsmax has stepped into the role of Public Enlightenment.  Today alone they sneered at people who are about to lose their SNAP benefits ("why is it we're subsidizing food for people that weigh 300 pounds?") and called for every Biden pardon to be voided ("Dr. Fauci should be buried under the jail for conspiracy against rights").  They're new, they're sassy, they're on the cutting edge of fascism.   Who will be the first to get a cabinet appointment?  

Speaking of 300-pounders subsidized by the public (Congress is still getting paid), Randy Fine has joined the chorus demanding that "barbarian" Zohran Mamdani be de-naturalized.  This desperation move originated with Andy Ogles (R-Creationism) who claims Mamdani failed to disclose his membership in the Democratic Socialists of America, the same party Bernie Sanders belongs to and clearly not "a communist organization," which would not be disqualifying even if it were.  Ogles is perhaps the dumbest member of the Tennessee delegation, also not disqualifying or even much of a distinction.  Back in 2020, unable to defeat Biden at the polls, Trump filed over sixty court challenges which came to nothing (apart from getting some of his lawyers sanctioned or disbarred).  Deporting someone you can't defeat is a new and amusing tactic.  "[Mamdani] wouldn't have a chance at winning if it were only native-born New Yorkers voting," the Floridian asserted.  I assume the next stage will be allowing only the native-born to vote.  Sorry, Senator Moreno, rules are rules.

I needed a laugh and Jesse Watters provided it, in his well-reasoned "Democrats want civilization to collapse."  Here we go:  "There are concepts that have kept civilizations thriving for thousands of years:  border walls, different bathrooms, asylums...it makes me feel like they want civilization to collapse.  And civilizations have collapsed.  If you have people, a faction of this country, dead set on tearing it down by releasing criminals, by destroying gender, by destroying the English language, you will have Rome...We're not fighting China, we're kind of fighting Russia.  We're really fighting Americans who want to destroy the country."  Oh, Jesse, go back to shining Bill O'Reilly's shoes. That was your career peak.  For centuries Rome was civilization despite its unisex bathrooms and custom of releasing criminals -- into the Coliseum to fight one another.  What do you mean by asylums?  You won't get your audience back from Newsmax by gabbling like this.  You're starting to sound like Trump.

Why do the people who can barely suppress their rage and hate always talk about civilization as if they own it?  There was more civilization in evidence at NO KINGS than any gathering of vindictive racist assholes -- respect, cordiality, humor, joy, a deeper spirituality than the religion industry can imagine.  To celebrate children going hungry and old people rationing their prescription drugs to make them last -- that's barbarism.  To police everyone else's sexuality is just an expression of your own fear.  It's why we rejoice when we see you turn on one another like scorpions in a bottle.   For example:

  Mel Gibson is at work on the long-threatened sequel The Resurrection of the Christ and has cast Kasia Smutniak as Mary.  The Polish actress is an outspoken feminist and advocate for abortion, currently illegal in Poland.  Gibson is catching all kinds of hell for this effrontery, although abortion is not mentioned in the New Testament.  No matter how hard you pander to the religionists, it's never enough, is it?  Resurrection opens in theaters March 26, 2027, the Saturday before Easter.  I love zombie movies.