Apocalypse postponed

 No Rapture, no federal government, but the Rulers are concentrating on the important stuff -- comedians, cartoons and country singers.  Zach Bryan posted a song on Instagram with the caption "the fading of the red, white and blue."  Sample line:  "ICE is gonna come bust down your door.  Try to build a house, no one builds no more.  Well, I got a telephone, kids are all scared and all alone."  His other incendiary statements include pleas against insulting transgender people and shouting vulgarities at Joe Biden.  He's an Oklahoman, a Navy veteran, and he just broke the record for largest ticketed concert in US history.  How could this have happened?  Naturally, DHS is spitting nails because he looks nothing like Shakira or Bad Bunny.

Trump continues to raise our spirits by rambling about his impending assumption into heaven.  "If a country doesn't have religion, doesn't have faith, doesn't have God, it's gonna be very hard to be a good country...I wanna be good because you wanna prove to God you're good so you go to that next step, right?  So that's very important to me."  His audience of reporters squirmed with embarrassment but never asked the obvious questions, like "What does it mean to be good?  Calling for violence against everyone who ever criticized you?  How do lying, adultery and rape fit in with your moral program?  Are you worried about death?  You sound worried.  Why are you hiding your hands?"  

Reporters hate to ask questions because he snarls at them even if they're not black women, but someone drew the short straw and had to inquire about a pardon for Ghislaine Maxwell.  First he pretended not to hear, then he played dumb:  "I haven't heard the name in so long...I'd have to take a look at it.  A lot of people have asked me for pardons," including the man he still calls "Puff Daddy."  laura loomer has no position on Mr. Combs but she more or less ordered him to forget Maxwell:  "Do not do it.  I repeat.  Do not do it.  There will be no coming back from that.  For the love of God.  Do Not Do It."  Sorry, Ghislaine.  Unless you've got some interesting photos or a bank account in the Caymans...let's talk.

And Adelita Grijalva remains in limbo.  People in the Arizona Seventh are currently without representation and should begin withholding their taxes.  James Otis, Jr., called it "tyranny" in 1765 during a debate about the Stamp Act.  The internet is a wonderful place.

It's not the Russian Elvis, it's Vyacheslav Leontyev, longtime publisher of Pravda and the latest victim of Moscow gravity.  Leontyev "plunged" 70 feet from his apartment in Moscow, having outlived his usefulness to Mother Russia.  He was 87 but Putin got tired of waiting.  Allegedly.

Speaking of usefulness to Mother Russia, people in Portland have a chance to see the podcaster Benny "Tovarich" Johnson in action.  Embedded with the ICEstapo, he's been producing AI videos of himself in a Batman costume assaulting people in sombreros and colorful serapes.  It's funny even when they're clearly not Mexican and it keeps Bad Benny far from any real danger, like Portlanders armed with sandwiches.

Is Kristi dressing as Batgirl?  I hope we find out!

Mark Carney was in Washington again, forced to admire Trump's Vegas version of an office and listen to his inane excuses for extrajudicial murder:  "We call them water drugs.  The drug that come in through water.  They're not coming.  There are no boats anymore.  Frankly there are no fishing boats...Does anybody go fishing anymore?  The fact is, we probably saved a hundred thousand lives."  He thinks everyone who takes drugs dies as a result.  Yet Junior Trump and Brainworm Bob Kennedy are regrettably still here.  There's no point discussing the desire for altered consciousness with someone who has never drunk anything but soda pop.

He's still going on about the big merger:  "The people of Canada will love us again.  Most of them still do.  If you say only 25 percent -- I think they love us."  Is he at all concerned about air traffic controllers calling out sick and airport delays?  Finally, a chance to question a black woman's intelligence!  "They're all Democrat delays...I look at people with very low IQs like Crockett, this woman Crockett.  I've never met her but she's a low IQ individual."   Her name is Jasmine, shithead, and in a coma she'd still be smarter than you.

Nobody thought to ask why US liquor exports to Canada, until recently our biggest market, fell by 85 percent in the second quarter of the year.  Most provinces ban the importation of American liquor because of his moronic tariffs.  Like the farmers, the distillers will probably need bailing out from the vast pool of tariff money.  It sounds like an economic proposal of President Rufus T. Firefly.

Yeah, about the airports -- Gavin Newsom thought travelers should know that "Burbank Airport has ZERO air traffic controllers from 4:15 pm to 10 pm today because of YOUR government shutdown."  Sean Duffy retorted, "Your Democrat friends shut down the government because they want to make Americans pay the health care for illegals."  Which is 1. bullshit and 2. irrelevant.  NO ATCs!  What are pilots doing besides anxiously peering out the cockpit windows?  OWN THE DEATHS, DOOFUS.  In addition, it looks like no "furloughed" federal workers, including the controllers, will be getting back pay.  In less than a year this country has turned into Oceania, including the calisthenics.