Beautiful paper

 This could be the last day of "functioning" government for a while, so let's see how it's functioning.

There was a meeting between Trump and the Congressional Democratic leadership.  They wanted to talk about the effect that a shutdown would have on rural hospitals and health care funding.  Bo-RING!  So Trump posted an AI fake about the fake problem of Democrats bringing in non-citizens to vote for them, along with this picture.  Since there is no Latino leader in the House he altered the image of Hakeem Jeffries because African Americans and cartoon Mexicans are pretty much the same.  To Trump, all not-white people look alike.  Fake Schumer says, "They can't even speak English so they won't realize we're just woke pieces of shit," which is how Trump talks, not Schumer.  Real Jeffries responded, "It's a disgusting video and we're going to make clear, bigotry will get you nowhere."  He's half-right -- clearly bigotry gets you the White House.

The Federal Communications Commission held what I assume will be its final monthly open meeting as protesters shouted, "Fire Carr, the censorship tsar!"  Carr's clumsy attempt to cancel Jimmy Kimmel Live! continues to rebound.  A new poll shows that Americans disapprove of the cancellation by a margin of 58-25%, whether they agree with Kimmel's remarks about Charlie Kirk or not.

As of this hour Mike Johnson continues to hide behind taller men (and some women) to avoid swearing in Rep.-elect Adelita Grijalva and protect his savior (Trump, not Jesus) from the release of the Epstein files.  Doesn't he look like Trump when Trump stands next to Putin?

US Attorney Jeanine Pirro continues to whiff in her attempts to get federal grand juries to indict people charged with protesting the military occupation of Washington.  So she went forum-shopping, finally getting a local grand jury to vote a true bill.  Magistrate judge Zia M. Faruqui wasn't having it.  He accused her of breaking "decades-long norms and the rule of law" and threw it out.  

Gun laws in New Zealand are among the strictest in the world, but that didn't stop K$H Patel from bringing some into the country.  In Wellington to open an FBI office, he presented officials with inoperable 3-D plastic printed pistols.  It was soon determined that a little tinkering could have made them operable and they were destroyed.  Next time maybe bring a nice marble rye bread.

Piss-drunk Pete summoned star officers from all over the world to harangue them about being too fat, as if generals still led troops from horseback.  Wait until he sees the video of a Chicago deliveryman on a bicycle easily eluding about eight well-fed ICEstapo.  Which reminds me:  Saturday October 4 is Buster Keaton's birthday.

Speaking of decades-long norms, members of the military are expressly forbidden to attend political rallies in uniform.  But they sat stone-faced and gleaming with decorations as Secretary Cirrhosis recommended "regular, hard PT" and being clean shaven (which he well knows is more onerous for black men).  He wants to emphasize "physical power" for combat.  "If women can make it, excellent.  If not, it is what it is."  They can always learn to make spread sheets and coffee, right?  Above all, "you should not pay for an earnest mistake for your entire career...we're making changes to the retention of adverse information on personnel records."  Why do I think that's a reference to the skirts and their sexual assault charges?  Why did they enlist if they can't handle a little slap and tickle?

Most alarmingly, "We don't fight with stupid rules of engagement.  We untie the hands of our warfighters to intimidate, demoralize, hunt and kill the enemies of our country.  No more politically correct and overbearing rules of engagement."  Got it.  More My Lai, less Geneva Convention.  Are we still even a signatory?  

Believe it or not, Old Crusader Tattoos was not the craziest speaker of the day.  He was but the warm-up comedian for their Commander in Chief.  Trump played all the hits.  He had a "sir" story about Canada wanting to be part of our glorious "Golden Dome."  He told them how "they" had taken "a big percentage of Seattle" but his dauntless troops drove "them" back -- when this happened is a little unclear.  "We're going into Chicago very soon.  That's a big city with an incompetent governor.  Stupid governor."  "I think we should maybe start thinking about battleships, by the way.  I look at different ships, the old pictures.  I used to watch Victory at Sea.  I love Victory at Sea."  (The last American battleship, USS Missouri, was decommissioned in 2006.  Nobody uses battleships.)  "I love my signature.  I really do.  Everyone loves my signature."  

He reminded them that he signs their promotions with it.  "Beautiful paper, the gorgeous paper.  I said, 'Throw a little more gold on it.  They deserve it.'  I want the A paper, not the D paper.  We used to sign a piece of garbage.  I said, 'This man is going to be a general, right?'  Yeah.  I want to use the big, beautiful, firm paper.  I want to use the real gold writing when you talk about the position.  And they're beautiful."

Of course they had to hear another pitch for the Nobel Prize.  Now he has ended eight wars.  "Will you get the Nobel Prize?  Absolutely not, they'll give it to some guy that hasn't done a damn thing.  It would be a big insult to the country, I will tell you that.  I don't want it, I want the country to get it."  He thought there were laughs to be had in the murder of Venezuelan fishermen:  "They don't want to go fishing.  I don't blame them.  There will be no fishing today.  It's amazing what strength will do."  

Silence. 

Time for some racist slapstick.  "I'm very careful when I go down stairs and I walk very slowly.  Nobody has to set a record.  Just try not to fall because it doesn't work out well...be cool when you walk down but don't bop down the stairs.  That is one thing with Obama.  I have zero respect for him as a president but he would bop down those stairs like I've never seen -- da-da, da-da, da-da, bop bop bop...I wouldn't want to do it but I guess I could do it, but eventually bad things are going to happen."  Well, Trump just doesn't have a natural sense of rhythm the way they do.  You can't be great at everything.

Remember Jacob Chansley, the QAnon Shaman?  He's suing Trump, the NSA, the Federal Reserve, the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, the Bank of International Settlements, the state of Israel, T-Mobile, Warner Brothers Studios and several other parties for $40 trillion.  He claims to be the real president.  I'm prepared to listen to his argument.