They're eating themselves!

 Yesterday Pro Publica reported that while Kristi Noem was governor of South Dakota, she took a personal cut of $80,000 donated to her American Resolve Policy Fund, a dark money group she had established in far-off Delaware.  This could be illegal, to use a quaint term, because she "forgot" to disclose it before taking her current job as Scourge of Immigrants.  Also yesterday, she remembered a shocking story and shared it with the media:  "The other day I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE.  They said that they had detained a cannibal and put him on a plane to take him home" -- to the South Seas, presumably -- "and while they had him in his seat he started to eat himself."

Gasp, really?  Guess which story got more attention.  That's how distraction works.  ICE Ilse Koch also remembered to blame Joe Biden for "let[ting] in the worst of the worst," so a good day's work.  Oh, Joe, self-eating cannibals?  It sounds like something from the movie Se7en, and probably is.

Some military leaders were gathered in the Offal Office for a classified meeting about the new F-47 fighter jets when to their surprise Mark Zuckerberg strolled in.  The CEO of Meta (Facebook for old timers) does not have any security clearance and was asked to leave.  It looks like Daddy is over his Elon crush and has moved on.  A few minutes later "a young aide" came in to show Daddy something on her laptop and then left.  This was almost certainly Natalie Harp, the platinum blonde who prints out praise and feeds it to Trump all day.  Maybe her printer was down.

Drama queen Nancy Mace is running a campaign for governor of South Carolina that would be considered bizarre in normal times.  "Dear DHS, we've got a swamp and a dream.  Let's talk," she Xitted today.  She promises to build her own Alligator Auschwitz with her trademark wit.  "South Carolina's gators are ready.  And they're not big on paperwork."  Not jobs, highways, lower taxes or higher reading test scores, just hot weather sadism.  Red states without dangerous reptiles must be envious.  Perhaps Idaho will have ICE detainees fight each other for food in special ICE arenas.  To the death.

CBS would cover the games.  Paramount chair Shari Redstone has signaled the end of its relevance as a journalistic enterprise by settling Trump's absurd lawsuit against Sixty Minutes for $16 million, less than he sought but far more than it's worth, which is bupkis.  Next in his sights:  CNN, whose reporting angered him twice in the past week.  First they told of a preliminary report on The Greatest Military Operation Since Agincourt, which suggested that Iran's OBLITERATION was somewhat exaggerated.  They followed up by revealing the existence of ICEBlock, an app which alerts people when the masked thugs are in their vicinity.  This impudence must not stand, man, and this time a mere lawsuit is not sufficient.  Trump wants the Bondi Department to prosecute CNN because journalism is now "totally illegal."  Appeasement still doesn't work, does it, ABC News?

Trump hasn't decided what to do about the existence of Zohran Mamdani, but he has options.  

Rest assured, and thank you for your attention to this matter.  After the final vote was announced (Mamdani 56%, Cuomo 44%), Trump mused, "Well, then we'll have to arrest him.  Look, we don't need a communist in this country, but if we have one, I'm going to be watching over him very carefully on behalf of the nation.  A lot of people are saying he's here illegally.  We're going to look at everything."  The same tired birtherism you tried on Obama.  Also, he's not a communist and it's not illegal to be one.  Also, your cards are all jokers.  Eric Adams is not "a good person" because he kissed your hand and got his indictment conditionally dismissed.  Curtis Sliwa lost the last election.  The others posted numbers in the vicinity of the UK's Monster Raving Loony Party.  I'm surprised you haven't ordered Pam to challenge the legality of weighted-choice voting.  You don't know what it is, do you?

As for making "the Good Ol' USA" HOT and GREAT, take a look at the June jobs report:  33,000 fewer people working, even with all the roundups and deportations.  Is it possible that Real Americans aren't rushing to fill those great jobs as dishwashers and lettuce pickers?  First decline in two years, says Trump's own Labor Department.  Sad trombone.  Blame Biden.

Never mind, he's still got that comic touch.  Abbott and Costello, Weber and Fields, make way for Donnie and the Press!

REPORTER:  "Is there an expected timeframe detainees will spend here [Alligator Auschwitz]?  Does that have anything to do with the immigration judges you spoke about being trained and staffed here?"

TRUMP:  "What was the first part of your question?"

REPORTER:  "Is there a specific timeframe you expect detainees to spend here?"

TRUMP:  "In Florida?"

REPORTER:  "Yes."

TRUMP:  "I'm gonna spend a lot.  Look, this is my home state.  I love it.  I love your government.  I love all the people around -- these are all friends of mine and they know I'm -- very well.  I'm not surprised that they do so well, they're great -- people.  Uh, Ron has been a friend of mine for a long time.  I feel very comfortable in this state.  I'll spend a lot of time here."

Third base!