Say it ain't so, Joe

 

There is nothing funny about cancer, but in this near-failed state the responses can be amusing.  Exhibit A comes to us from Doofus J. Trump the Younger, who senses a Vast Conspiracy while assuming that Jill Biden is a medical doctor.  Priceless.

We're just getting started on Conspiracy Monday.  Please remain seated and remove sharp objects from pockets.  

Ronny Jackson, who no longer practices medicine now that he is A Lawmaker (thanks, Texas!) and is best remembered for keeping the Trump I White House supplied with happy pills, accused Joe Biden's doctor of engaging in a "coverup" and not providing quality care.  Jackson, also infamous for lying about Trump's body-mass and mental agility, evoked such Xitter responses as "We deserve to know if he had cancer while he was pretending to be president," which folds into the next theory.  Hold tight.

Trump was up all night with his iPhone, which has never left his side unlike Melania, and he came across a whizbang from Bankrupt Alex Jones:

"Biden was not elected in 2020 and Obama ran the country illegally for the last 4 years," Jones explained, and Trump would re-Truth the Grand Ayatollah of Iran if he said Biden was not elected.  Only military tribunals (and presumably summary execution on live TV) can address this outrage.  At least Obama gets a trial of some description, unlike thousands of other "terrorists."

Is Grandpa Syphilis finished?  What do you think?

I always love those "Thank you for your attention" closings -- like he's asking the HOA to find out who keeps writing SHITHEAD on his mailbox -- but the whole thing is megatons of crazy.  Bruce, Oprah, Beyonce and Bono, four of the most successful and wealthy show business personalities not on trial for sex trafficking, had to be paid to perform at Kamala Harris's rallies?  He knows this how?  Donnie, stop listening to the lamp, it is not the ghost of Roy Cohn.

He is going to call for a major investigation.  The Bondi Department, the CIA, FBI, NSC, Merchant Marine Academy, all the committees, some new committees and maybe Mossad must get to the bottom of this.  Bono is not even American!  

Over the weekend a beautiful three-masted ship called Cuauhtemoc, a training vessel of the Mexican navy on a world tour, lost power and crashed into the Brooklyn Bridge.  Two cadets died and nineteen were injured.  MAGA just about laughed itself sick at the "invasion" that was repelled by an accident, because MAGA consists of pureed shit in human skins.  ("Mexican" is their new N-word.)  Laura Loomer was particularly witty:  "They sent their tired, their poor and their huddled masts."  

You won't be surprised to learn that they were just as compassionate about Biden's health.  One has a theory that he has "some other form of cognitive illness" for which stage five cancer is a cover-up so they can't throw out his "illegal" pardons.  If you believe anything his family says you're "fucking retarded."  Loomer has a "medical source" who says he'll be dead soon.  It's a stunt to help Jake Tapper sell his book, which makes as much sense as anything else.  If I quote any more I'll need a Silkwood shower.

Before Biden's news came out Trump took a break from threatening Springsteen and the Supreme Court to re-post that tired 2016 video about how Bill and Hillary Clinton have murdered everybody but Jimmy Hoffa.  I have no idea why.  Maybe some kind of anniversary?  Maybe he forgot what year it is?  Nostalgia?  Oh, yes, the Supreme Court...

They ruled 7-2 that Trump can't use the 1798 Alien Enemies Act to summarily deport thousands of people to Venezuela without due process, since we're not actually at war no matter what Stephen Miller says.  The seven included all three of his appointments, which dialed Donnie's Bile-o-meter up to eleven.  He reposted Federalist Society chucklehead Mike Davis's suggestion that he "house these terrorists near the Chevy Chase Country Club, with daytime release."  (John Roberts and Brett Kavanaugh live in Chevy Chase, Maryland, and the "terrorists" would thus be free to rape and murder them and eat their cats.)  Then he demanded, "The Supreme Court must come to the RESCUE OF AMERICA."  I think they did.  (Davis calls it "an illegal injunction."  When SCOTUS issues an injunction that means it's not illegal.  Didn't they teach him that at the University of Iowa?)

Attention, Walmart shoppers:  Who will pay the extra charges on just about everything you buy?  Walmart announced last week that tariffs would be passed along to customers.  Then Trump ordered the retailer to "eat the tariffs" and threatened, "I'll be watching and so will your customers."  Today some brave soul reminded Bottle Blonde Leavitt of his promise that exporters (meaning China) would pay.  She's sticking to that, insisting that China was "quick to hustle to the negotiating table" because "they need our markets."  So which is it, Walmart, China or Jane Scratchcard?  Stay tuned!

I apologize for this but I couldn't resist.

Fuck them all.  Let's go out with a message from the Bidens.  Oh, god, it's only Monday?

"Cancer touches us all.  Like so many of you, Jill and I have learned that we are strongest in the broken places.  Thank you for lifting us up with love and support."

Yes, he plagiarized Hemingway.  Go chase yourself.