LMAO Thursday

 Trump was present at the launch of a new 5,000-ton destroyer this morning but things did not go as planned.  The ship's hull was crushed as it moved sideways down the slipway, with the stern hitting the water first.  On Truth Social Trump raged about "absolute carelessness" and "irresponsibility" which brought shame to...

I'm so sorry.  I misread that.  It was actually Kim Jong-un who couldn't get his boat to float.  But the blaming and shaming and demand for scapegoats sounded so much like our Dear Leader.  Apologies.

I got confused because a couple of Politburo -- damn it! -- House Republicans named Warren Davidson (OH) and Barry Moore (AL) have concocted something called the TDS Research Act, which authorizes the National Institutes of Health to study "the instinctual negative and often violent reaction to any supportive statement or event related to President Trump" (my italics).  That's it.  If you are appalled, enraged or merely saddened by the criminality, racism, depravity and stupidity of the Orange Carbuncle you are suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome and in need of treatment.

The Act doesn't say that in so many words.  It's full of social science flummery about "mitigating extreme behaviors" and "strategies for a healthier public square" and "social unrest," and requires "an annual report to Congress."  Anyone with a cursory knowledge of the twentieth century knows what it implies:  a stay in a KGB-style psychiatric "hospital."  Not voluntary, and no release until you can say with Winston Smith, "I love Big Brother."

Nothing at all Stalinesque about our reality.

But who needs Stalinist methods in the Age of Cowardice?  The Leader ordered Disney CEO Bob Iger to "rein in" ABC News or get ready to pay another enormous bribe.  Perhaps with an eye to preserving what's left of the news division's reputation Iger decided to punish a talk show instead.  The Daily Beast reports that The View has been told to "tone down their political rhetoric."  And in return Fox's The Five will do likewise, right?  Don't be silly.  ABC News president Almin Karamehmedovic met with the executive producer and hosts and "suggested" they talk about something other than politics -- hairstyles, maybe, or Kardashians, or the hairstyles of the Kardashians.  It's consistently the ratings winner in its time slot, suggesting that there are stay-at-home moms who want something more substantive than they get from The Today Show and The Faulkner Focus.  They seem to prefer the panel -- Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, Ana Navarro, Sara Haines, Sunny Hostin and Alyssa Farah Griffin -- that Trump called "degenerates."  

As of this morning it looks like "message not received."  The panelists went there again, trashing the Qatari bribe plane deal, with Whoopi pulling out a Constitution and reading the Emoluments clause and accusing Trump of "giving the country the middle finger."  

In a further effort to fellate the felon, Disney has already terminated employees with Temporary Protected Status, who face deportation to Venezuela next month.  And in the most cowardly way -- thirty days of unpaid "leave."  When they come for me, Rick, I hope you will be of more help.  The Mouse sticks his neck out for nobody.

If you got a big birthday check from Aunt Polly and you're wondering where not to spend it, I suggest avoiding Pepsi, Nissan and Garnier.  Together with Mastercard and Pricewaterhouse Cooper they have been frightened away from sponsoring New York Heritage of Pride this year.  Why not donate Aunt Polly's check to Heritage, which is facing a shortfall of $350,000?  The largest expenses, not surprisingly, are police security and liability insurance.  Oh, but boycotts by "Radical Left Lunatics" are an example of cancel culture, like refusing to attend Mel Gibson or Gerard Depardieu movies.  They make Bill Maher cry.  Only burning your Springsteen albums is protected political speech.  I get confused on Thursdays.

The Big Beautiful Billionaires' Benefits Bill passed the House last night, slicing deep into Medicaid, Medicare and dozens of other programs but containing a small gift for non-wealthy parents:  MAGA, the Money Account for Growth and Advancement program.  This would let parents open special accounts for children under 8.  A one-time contribution of $1,000 would have to be invested in the stock market, although Tesla stock is not a requirement.  What with market fluctuations and the increased cost of everything from childcare to college, it's far from a life-changer.  But late last night the name was deemed insufficiently flattering and it's now called a "Trump account."  Pro tip:  Buy baseball cards instead.

A day after his failed attempt to humiliate President Cyril Ramaphosa with fake propaganda about "white genocide," Trump was posting "Hatred and Radicalism have no place in the USA."  This was in response to the killing of two Israeli embassy staff near the Capital Jewish Museum.  The shooter then began chanting "Free free Palestine" as he walked into the museum and surrendered.  A typical response came from Rep. Randy Fine (R-FL):  "We nuked the Japanese twice in order to get unconditional surrender.  That needs to be the same here."  Fine was obviously excited and forgot that nuking Gaza would put a crimp in Trump's and Netanyahu's post-genocide development plans for the area.  Trump properties have enough problems from bedbugs to fires -- nobody wants high-pressure showers that make you glow green.

There's always someone with more interesting problems than your own.  Early this morning Johan Helberg woke up in his house near Trondheim, Norway, to find a 135-meter container ship NCL Salten in his garden.  Normally ships travel up the Trondheim fjord and turn right or left, but not today.  Police say they have identified a "suspect" among the crew of sixteen, whatever that may mean.  

That's going to leave a mark.