"To have something to show for your time on this earth is very gratifying," says Gary Duschl in today's Guardian. Grandchildren? Wealth? One perfect haiku? Mr. Duschl is a Canadian-born businessman who now lives in Virginia Beach and holds the record for making the world's longest chain of chewing gum wrappers. (23.226 miles if you don't feel like clicking.) We need more immigrants like this.
According to the FAKE NEWS the American Renaissance has been somewhat delayed. I'm pretty sure corporate profits are supposed to rise while unemployment decreases. That's what we became accustomed to seeing during 2021-2025, despite Joe Biden being very old.
The Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) Commission handed in its report incoherent with fictitious "citations" and garbled AI which the White House blamed on formatting. Meanwhile Secretary Brainworm has threatened to keep federal researchers from publishing in such venerable journals as the Lancet, JAMA and New England Journal of Medicine, calling them "corrupt" and controlled by the pharmaceutical industry. They will be replaced by state-run publications he can control, on the model of Russian television. Kennedy and his TV-host-turned-Medicare-director Mehmet Oz may not care about human life but they're stepping up for birds. Canadian authorities want to destroy 400 ostriches on a farm in British Columbia because several tested positive for bird flu, but Oz has invited them to his 900-acre ranch in Florida. In a related story, Brainworm cancelled a contract with Moderna to develop a human vaccine for bird flu.
Leonard Leo, former head of the Federalist Society, vetter of Trump judges, a "scumbag"? A "sleazebag"? A "bad person"? Who says so? This raving nutter:
Thank you for your attention to this matter! Purely hatred of "TRUMP?" This is the funniest thing I've read since Roy Blount, Jr.'s "Things In the Wrong Hands." ("My sister is glued to the dry cleaner's.") Why does Leonard Leo hate America? More, please!
That's Governor Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan, once touted as a presidential candidate, trying to hide from the media like a mobster entering a courthouse. She was promised a meeting in the Oval Office (the tacky decor is the giveaway) about disaster relief and then ambushed. Yesterday she got her consolation prize when
Trump announced he would not pardon Adam Fox and Barry Croft, Jr., who were convicted of conspiring to kidnap her in 2020. Trump being Trump, that could change in the twinkling of a Truth Social rant if they meet the conditions for a pardon. The woman suing Giuliani for sexual misconduct says he quoted a price of $2 million, but that was years ago.
While Rudy sorts his life out, the pardon bagman is
Ed Martin, whose boast is "No MAGA left behind." Lucky winners have so far included former Sheriff
Scott Jenkins, convicted of bribery and corruption, and Paul Walczak, a nursing home executive who pleaded guilty to tax crimes. Walczak's mom attended a million-dollar-a-plate dinner at Lago de Merde just three weeks before Paul's pardon came through, yet another of those astounding coincidences. "Chrisley Knows Best" became a reality when Todd and Julie Chrisley walked free on fraud and tax convictions after their daughter spoke at the MAGA National Convention. Corrupt former Connecticut Governor
John Rowland, also at large. Chicago gang-banger
Larry Hoover, welcome home. Martin has orders to free everyone ever convicted by Jack Smith whether they can pay or not. Seditious conspiracy? Is that even a crime?
No longer seeking a pardon is
Geoge Santos, who was always a loyal MAGA. He says he doesn't want to spend his last days of freedom trying to get past Trump's "guard dogs" and his former friends have "told me to go fuck myself." So long, it's been odd to know you.
It's Friday, time to play "How Low Can You Abase Yourself?" Unless we get a more cringe-worthy specimen by five o'clock the winner is Florida Republiclown
Greg Steube. He has introduced the Make Autorail Great Again Act to end funding for the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority unless it becomes the Washington Met Authority for Greater Access
and renames the Metrorail "The Trump Train." Why stop there? Shouldn't the trains be painted gold and the stations decorated with murals depicting the life of Dear Leader?
And really, why do we need public transportation? Still angry about the court ruling that DoT can't deny funds to New York just because he didn't get his way on congestion pricing,
Sean Duffy went on Fox Business to paint the subways as hell: "If you're liberal, they want you to take public transportation...the problem is that it's dirty. You have criminals. It's homeless shelters. It's insane asylums. It's a work ground for the criminal element of the city to prey upon the good people." As one of the "good people" I never had a problem on public transit, but maybe he's talking about Daniel Penny being acquitted for killing
Jordan Neely. That was disgraceful. I wonder when Sean Duffy last took the A train.
MAGA conspiracy theorist
Floyd Brown is complaining to anyone who will listen that he was fired as vice president of development at the Kennedy Center because of his anti-LGBTQ views. But surely Richard Grenell knew Brown had called homosexuality "immoral" and "a punishment" when he hired him a month ago. Now I'm completely confused, an ideal way to start the weekend.
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