Birthright

 Someone must have been telling lies about Nicole Micheroni, for she opened her email one morning and read, "DHS is terminating your parole.  It is time for you to leave the United States.  If you do not depart the United States immediately you will be subject to potential law enforcement actions that will result in your removal from the United States."   Having been born in Massachusetts, Micheroni was confused.  Where was she to go?  Why?  But as an immigration lawyer, she recognized the totalitarian prose and was all too familiar with the peremptory tone, with its veiled threat of removal to Gulag Salvador.  Probably someone who usually worked for a car company or a Silicon Valley startup had confused her name with that of one of her clients.  

Should she call DHS, thereby revealing her location?  She knew that the Castle did not acknowledge the possibility of mistakes.  She had never been called upon to prove her citizenship.  Where was her birth certificate?  Would they even accept it?  How long did she have before masked, hooded men grabbed her off the street?  "It is time," said the email. "Immediately."  Perhaps it was time to disappear.

There was another possibility.  She was a lawyer who represented Enemies of the State.  All foreign-born people, unless white South Africans, were apparently terrorists.  Lawyers far more powerful and well-connected than Cameron Micheroni & Silvia of Boston were being banned from federal buildings and extorted money and billable hours for having once represented people the Castle disliked.  It was "illegal," but that term was rarely heard now except ironically.  She could call DHS and offer them a list of all her clients, but that would violate every ethical canon in her profession.  

How long would it take to drive to Canada?

Nicole Micheroni solved her problem, we hope, by going to the media.  Her story ran in yesterday's Guardian, which means people all over the world are cancelling trips here and worrying about young people enrolled in our once-proud universities.  Some kind of mission has been accomplished.  

"If the Republic is saved just because the people trying to steal it are dumb, I'll take it," wrote Charles P. Pierce some time ago.  He must be amused by this Wall Street Journal story about the transcendently dumb Kristi Noem.  After years stuck governing the wilds of South Dakota with nobody to harass but Native Americans, ICE Barbie is making the most of her sudden celebrity.  She appears to have hampered a series of immigration raids by posting about them on social media before they were over, unaware that the targets also have phones and social media accounts.  The 53-year-old's eye-catching costumes are also something of a giveaway.  

Speaking of transcendent dumbness, did you know that wearing a Chicago Bulls hat makes you a gang-banger?  It must be true because gang expert Jesse Watters says so.  That's why Kilmar Abrego Garcia is wearing one in the picture we've all seen.  Jesse sussed it out:  If you live in Maryland and you like the Bulls, who are 39-43, you're MS-13, it's just science.  And Bulls merch is thrown away all across the country.  Even in Chicago!  Why take a chance?  Jesse's brain is stored in his eyebrows, with space to spare.

Senator Chris Van Hollen is in El Salvador right now to visit Mr. Abrego Garcia, one of his constituents.  Naturally MAGA is screaming "LOGAN ACT VIOLATION!!" and generally losing its shit.  The Logan Act forbids a private citizen (say, Donald Trump) from interfering in foreign policy (say, hostage negotiations or the Russia-Ukraine war).  It isn't much enforced, apparently.  And Senator Van Hollen is not a private citizen.  But thanks for reminding us you're not Oliver Stone, Roger Stone.

It's too bad foreigners are afraid to come here because economically there has never been a better time.  Canadian snowbirds making other plans means shorter lines at Disney World and better deals on hotel rooms, and now the Washington Post reports that the US dollar has lost ten percent of its value since Day One.  The dollar has hit a three-year low against the euro and investors are dumping T-notes as if they were Bulls jerseys.  Scott Pissant Bessent says everything is going according to plan, though he won't say what the plan is.  Maybe the biggest bankruptcy of The Leader's storied career?

The (trade) war with China is also going brilliantly, encompassing little tiny things and great big things.  Nvidia, the California AI leader (no, Secretary McMahon, not the steak sauce), has been restricted from selling its new H20 chip in China and has lost billions since the market opened.  China, for its part, has ordered its airlines not to accept deliveries from Boeing, which is still trying to recover from years of bad press about safety while watching its stock price plummet.  I can't find out what today's tariff is, and it generally changes after lunchtime anyway.

Georgia residents alert:  If you go to a Margie Greene townhall and don't show the proper reverence for her and The Leader, you will be tased and ejected like the people in Acworth.  People who make the effort to attend these things usually do so because they are angry or worried, but she's not having it anyway.  "I'm glad they got thrown out," she said (that passive voice again!).  They now know not to bring up her principal achievement in office, insider trading.  Most of the cult have stopped appearing in public on the advice of Speaker Mikey, but apparently Chuck Grassley thought his white hairs would shield him from angry Iowans.  He has been their senator since the Spanish-American War, after all.  "Are you going to bring that guy back from El Salvador?" someone shouted, without specifying which guy.  "The president doesn't care.  He's got an order from the Supreme Court and he's just said 'No, screw it.'" said another, displaying a better knowledge of the Constitution than most Americans.  As you can see, some Grassley voters have been with him from the beginning:

Senator Schatz should keep his hold on the nomination of Ed Martin to be US attorney in DC until we find out why Martin has been on Russian television more often than Vladimir Putin.  Between 2016 and 2024 he made more than 150 appearances on Sputnik and Russia Today, guest shots he forgot to mention on a Senate Judiciary Committee questionnaire.  Needless to say, he parroted the Trumputin line on Ukraine, Syria and various other topics.  Did you know that American men "despise" Putin because "he reminds them of their inadequacies"?  Maybe Ed would be happier as a prosecutor in Moscow.

Here is some news he'll want to share with his friends:  The DoD's Defense Digital Service will go out of business as of May 1, another casualty of Musk "efficiency."  But why would the military even need "fast tech fixes and digital tools" to obstruct our Russian overlords?  Think of the money to be saved.  Think of the tax cuts!

Lt. Gabrielle White has become the first woman to complete the Army's Best Ranger Competition.  She may wonder why she bothered when Piss Drunk Pete finds an excuse to dismiss her from the service, because there's just no way a black woman did better than all those men.  I'll bet the Canadian Army would love to have her.

You knew it was coming and The Leader's tirade against Harvard did not disappoint fans of the genre.  As befits so old and revered an institution he brought out his nuclear arsenal of invective:  "Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity, and should no longer receive Federal Funds."  Ouch.  He wants Harvard to apologize, according to Bottle Blonde No. 1, and you can read for yourself the kind of Soviet-style "guidance" all universities are expected to submit to.  As usual, the pretext is fighting "antisemitism"; I can't wait for them to try that out on Yeshiva.  

It's not quite 3pm EDT and I just read that China can expect a tariff of 245% on imports to the US.  This is now beyond absurd.  It's the auction scene from the Marx Brothers' first movie The Coconuts, where Groucho engages Chico to bid on some swampland he's selling to get legitimate buyers to raise their bids.  Of course Chico doesn't quite grasp the concept and keeps bidding until he has "won" everything.  That was intentionally funny.  This is insane.  At last we know why Trump's every business venture has crashed like the Hindenburg.