Time in a bottle

 In the first act of Mussorgsky's masterpiece Boris Godunov the monk Pimen sits in his monastery writing a chronicle of his age, known in Russian history as the Time of Troubles.  He wants people to know what the reign of the Tsar Boris, who came to the throne through murder, was like.  I'm starting to feel like Father Pimen, recording the daily insanity, violence and inexplicable bizarreness.

"Schumer is a Palestinian as far as I'm concerned.  He's become a Palestinian.  He used to be Jewish.  He's not Jewish anymore, he's a Palestinian."  So proclaimed The Leader to the Taioseach, Micheal Martin, who was understandably a little confused.  Every year around this time, Ireland's prime minister comes to Washington to visit with the president and say the usual things about Irish-American friendship during the runup to St. Patrick's Day.  Of course The Leader has a beef with Ireland, whose comparatively low taxes have stolen the entire US pharmaceutical industry.  He mused that he could take it back but that might cost him the "Irish vote" (all Irish-Americans vote in lockstep apparently).  Also Apple was treated "very unfairly" when courts required it to pay 13 billion Euros in back taxes to Ireland.  Everybody is out to get us.  

"Obama was a disaster.  You know, they have with Obama, he gave them sheets.  He gave them sheets and I gave them anti-tank missiles.  You know that, right?  It's called Javelin.  You know the Javelin?  I'm the one that gave them the Javelins.  People don't say that.  And then they say, 'Oh, Trump has a great relationship with Russia.'  I'm the one that gave them Javelins.  Obama gave them sheets.  It's an expression.  He gave sheets, I gave Javelins."  By "them" he means Ukraine, and by "sheets" he means I DON'T KNOW!  

By now Mr. Martin was blinking the international hostage code for PLEASE HELP ME but The Leader wasn't through.  Yesterday's Tesla commercial was just a warm-up:  "So I have a property, a big property.  It's one of the most highly rated hotels in all of Europe.  It's beautiful.  Doonbeg.  Six hundred acres on the ocean and everybody knows it and we have a beautiful hotel."  Why is he telling me this?  Is it for sale?  Who is this Schumer?  Can I leave yet?  Is he going to start yelling at me like he did to Zelensky?  

It's not clear if they discussed the 200% tariff The Leader is threatening (today) on alcohol products from the EU.  Or what went through the PM's mind when The Leader complained, "Everything is transgender.  Everybody is transgender.  That's all you hear about."

He's right, because Republicans won't shut up about it.  They inject it into everything, like the committee hearing yesterday when the chair, a Texas hatemonger called Self, recognized Rep. Sarah McBride (D-DE) as "Mr. McBride."  McBride calmly responded, "Thank you, Madam Chair," but Bill Keating (D-MA) decided she needed his help.  "Have you no decency?" he demanded, channeling Joseph Welch from 1954.  They argued, Self adjourned the hearing, and McBride never got to ask her questions. Mansplaining -- what would we do without it?

Defining who is and is not a Jew was probably on The Leader's mind because the student group Jewish Voice for Peace occupied the lobby of Trump Tower this morning to demand the release of Mahmoud Khalil, currently jailed by ICE.  To add to the confusion, they wore shirts reading "Jews say stop arming Israel," which I assume makes them all Schumer-class Palestinians.  

At around the same time the Independent International Commission of Inquiry issued its report on Palestine, calling Israel's destruction of women's healthcare facilities and targeting of women and girls for sexual violence "genocidal acts."  This should be worrying for Netanyahu and Putin:  Former president Rodrigo Duterte was arrested in Manila by Philippine National Police on a warrant from the International Criminal Court charging "crimes against humanity" over his extrajudicial killing of alleged drug dealers.  The ICC is no longer fooling around.

At the risk of being branded terrorists, the SFist reports details of a Tesla Cybertruck which crashed in November and exploded in flames, killing three college students and injuring a fourth.  Piedmont high school student Matt Riordan was pulled out by a motorist.  The Highway Patrol blamed the accident on the driver after drugs were found in his system, but Riordan says he was unable to open the doors.  

They also don't float:  A Tesla Cybertruck sank in Ventura harbor while trying to launch a jet ski.  But Elon said they can be used as boats!  In other Elon news, that rocket to retrieve the astronauts that The Leader was babbling about last week won't be launched today -- problem with the hydraulics.  At least it hasn't exploded yet.

Why can't pastors get off on vanilla sex, or even BDSM, involving adults?  Why is it always children?  Jose Saez, Jr., of Iglesia Cristiana Alumbrando el Camino Church in Brentwood, New York, pleaded guilty to sexual exploitation of a child and admitted to sexually abusing an infant.  Jeffery Summers of New Hope Baptist Church in Port Orange, Florida, was charged with soliciting a child over a computer and traveling to meet a minor for sex.  Daniel Menelaou of Futures Church in Alpharetta, Georgia, was arrested for possession of material depicting a minor in sexually explicit conduct.  But today's big fish is Robert Morris, Texas Gateway megachurch founder and spiritual adviser to The Leader himself.  Morris was indicted for indecent acts with a child when he was a traveling evangelist in Oklahoma in 1982.  His co-pastor at Gateway Steve Dulin had to resign after a different investigation, which didn't stop The Leader calling them "great people with a great reputation."

You can be sure there will be more to chronicle tomorrow, when the US may have invaded Greenland or "reclaimed" the Panama Canal or given sheets to Lilliput.  Tiny ones.