How the golden age is proceeding

 

Boot-egging has begun:  $100,000 worth of eggs were hijacked from Pete & Gerry's Organics in Greencastle, Pennsylvania.  The FBI is on it, or would be if it weren't preoccupied with the impending purge of agents who investigated The Leader's crimes.  

The Central Intelligence Agency is also firing its workforce on orders from The Leader, calling it "a holistic strategy to infuse the agency with renewed energy."  The English language is obviously its main target now that all other threats to national security have been vanquished by the force of The Leader's amazing personality.  In other news of the War on English, the National Science Foundation must memory-hole the words antiracist, advocacy, disability, diversity, biases, women and many others from its publications.

The Leader has deigned to attend the Superbowl this Sunday in New Orleans with his court.  In return, the NFL is required to remove its offensive END RACISM message from the end zones.

It will be replaced with CHOOSE LOVE.  George Orwell could not make this up.

The Department of Health and Human Services will also be "choosing love" if Roadkill Bob and his brainworm are confirmed.  Continuing hearings reveal an alarmingly racist view of the immune systems of white and black people, in addition to his crackpot theories about covid and Ashkenazi Jews.  A hundred years ago theories like these led to the infamous Tuskeegee study of the way black men supposedly experienced a different form of syphilis, not to mention the experiments of Josef Mengele.

With the acquisition of Greenland, the Panama Canal Zone and Canada virtually accomplished, The Leader has turned his loving eyes to Gaza.   Welcoming indicted war criminal Benjamin Netanyahu to the palace, The Leader proclaimed, "The US will take over the Gaza Strip, and we will do a job with it, too."  More bankrupt casinos may be in Gaza's future.  "I thought we voted for America First," whined Rand Paul.  "We have no business contemplating yet another occupation to doom our treasure and spill our soldiers' blood."  Silly Rand Paul, who does he think he is, Robert Taft?  Nancy Mace retorts, "Let's turn Gaza into Mar-a-Lago," which is her redneck idea of elegance.  

Next on The Leader's list, the supposedly sovereign nation of El Salvador.  He would like to turn it into a prison colony for American convicts, deportees, and presumably troublesome broadcasters like Rachel Maddow, Jim Acosta and those treasonous late-night hosts.  The concentration camp at Guantanamo is filling up fast.  "There are obviously legalities involved.  We have a Constitution," said Secretary of State Marco Rubio, provoking gales of laughter.

Border nazi Tom Homan threatened to arrest Governor Phil Murphy of New Jersey after the governor told an audience at Montclair State College that he would shelter a hypothetical "illegal" in his home if necessary.  This was too confusing for him to interpret.  Homan is a moron.

The Leader could hardly get to his desk fast enough on January 20 to sign an EO ending birthright citizenship, a stunt he has tried before.  Judge Deborah L. Boardman has blocked it "indefinitely" for the obvious reason that it violates the Fourteenth Amendment.  But The Leader's Energy Secretary Lee Zeldin could not be prevented from destroying environmental restrictions on coal-fired power plants.  Burn, baby, burn.

Parking garage lawyer Alina Habba was on Fox News yesterday repeating the "condoms for Gaza" lie to a slavering Jesse Watters, albeit an earlier version ("We've seen $50 million to Gaza for condoms that they're using for bombs") -- perhaps she did not hear The Leader raise that to $100 million.  Watters just smirked as usual, so it was left to Russian state TV to correct her:  "It was to Gaza in Africa" (a province in Mozambique) and the number was wildly exaggerated.  Spasibo.  Can you even make a bomb from a condom?

In response to a fake video by Ian Miles Cheong, Texas Congressclown and Dinesh D'Souza son-in-law Brandon Gill has demanded the deportation of Rep. Ilhan Omar.  Gill is a moron.

The Leader vowed to investigate California's high-speed rail project which will link Los Angeles with San Francisco because it's "the worst-managed program" ever."  As usual, "nobody has ever seen anything like it," "the worst overruns in the history of our country."  His loathing for California in general and Gavin Newsom in particular has nothing to do with it.  And it's completely unnecessary, he says, because "you take an airplane, it costs you two dollars."  He did not name this benevolent carrier.

All 67 victims have been recovered from the collision over the Potomac last week, and Sean Duffy has explained that it was all the fault of -- say it with me -- the Biden administration:  "They were focused on changing the name from 'cockpit' to 'flightdeck'...things that don't matter in regards to safety."  It wasn't two air traffic controllers handling helicopters as well as incoming and outgoing flights that night, it was lack of manliness.  Henceforth only white cis-male heterosexual pilots will be licensed.  And flights will cost two dollars.

 

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