Reality -- what a concept!

 

California's Department of Water Resources thought it was necessary to issue the above because The Leader was taking credit for water.  More specifically, he was taking credit for ordering the military to -- but let him tell it:

Which branch of The United States Military?  The 82nd Airborne Plumbers?  Does "Pacific Northwest and beyond" include the British Columbia section of the 51st state?  Aren't all Environmental arguments Fake insofar as they don't enrich Elon Musk?  When do we get to see video of the Giant Faucet being activated, or was the combat too gruesome?  Were there casualties?  What the fuck are you typing about, you depraved cretin?  Rain has been falling in southern California -- do you want credit for that, too?  And for the mudslides and structural damage that will follow?  Or is Gavin Newsom responsible for them?

Eight days into what looks to be the longest four years since the Great War, reality has already checked out.  

"Go back where you came from" has reached a level of unmatched absurdity.  As Hispanic-looking people are grabbed at random for free trips to South America, Buu Nygren, president of the Navajo Nation, is advising members to carry a CIB (Certificate of Indian Blood).  This follows reports of at least fifteen Indigenous people being harassed at home or work in New Mexico and Arizona and asked for proof of citizenship.  The newly-minted Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem was banned for a while from Sioux land in South Dakota (the ban was lifted after she ceased to be governor) but I'm sure that had nothing to do with this. 

J6 coup organizer Ali Alexander dropped out of sight after police in Texas investigated him for "grooming" underage boys, but like a dumb boomerang he's back, baby.  "I'm like this oracle of America.  I'm America's oracle.  I am the oracle," he said modestly in 2023, and he's more oracular than ever.  Among other things he wants The Leader to sign executive orders prohibiting "splitting of any atoms," "any seizure of space debris own [sic] by America, "prohibiting time travel by unauthorized persons" and "corporate exploration of time travel."  Don't be surprised if this happens.  How else can we prevent Victorian serial killers from showing up in 2025 San Francisco?

Other J6 hostages are not doing so well in freeside.  Matthew Huttle was killed by sheriff's deputies during a traffic stop in Indiana, and Andrew Taake, the bear-spray guy, has been re-arrested in Texas on an old child-molestation charge.  The Leader has been floating a scheme to exile criminals by paying other countries to take them, which is completely in line with right-wing "go away" schemes elsewhere (the UK's plan to send asylum seekers to Rwanda, for example).  Even poor countries like Rwanda might not accept Taake.

What's up in the deep-red states?  Well, during a fit of woke, Oklahoma voters made cockfighting a felony in 2022 and Republican state rep Justin Humphrey has introduced bills to reduce it to a misdemeanor or allow cocks to fight against robots.  I don't know if cybercocks already exist or if they would be brought in from the future by authorized time travelers.  I don't know anything anymore and frequently find myself laughing for no reason, doctor.

Neighboring Kansas proudly reports "the largest documented tuberculosis outbreak in US history," 146 cases in the Kansas City area.  According to the CDC, 13 million Americans live with inactive (undiagnosed) TB, mostly in group settings like prisons and homeless shelters.  

A new strain of avian flu (H5N9 if you're scoring at home) has been identified at a poultry farm in Merced County, California.  All in all, it's the perfect time to withdraw from WHO and put an unqualified "predator" in charge of HHS.  And he's on it.  That's why Shadi Hamid, whoever he is, assures the few remaining Washington Post readers that "Trump has become normal.  That's a good thing, really."  

One of the many normal things he did today before heading for the golf course was to fire Gwynne Wilcox from the National Labor Relations Board, effectively crippling it in one "unprecedented and illegal" act.  See if you can guess why.

It's official -- Google Maps has changed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.  I predict that Greenland will soon be identified as MAGAgascar.  (Must credit the Buttermilk Sky Organization.  You don't really have to but it would be nice.  We don't care.  Everything is fine.  Do whatever you like.  I'm off to research medically induced comas -- can they keep you under for four years?  Good night.)