Healthy, wealthy and wise

 

All right.  Time to catch up with Captain Dementia.

In the greatest SNL cold opening since the Billy Crystal era, Trump told a Reno mob he doesn't use teleprompters because of the razor sharpness of his mind.  Then a piece of debris fell on his teleprompter, damaging it.  Teleprompters have become a talking (or ranting) point because (he claims) Kamala Harris uses one because she is "retarded."  He says she used one at a town hall for Univision, except they say it was there for the host and had text in Spanish only.  Nuance does not figure in Trump hate rallies.

Violence does, especially when directed at women.  In Coachella, California, a woman heckled him and was dragged away by the muscle men.  "Back home to mommy," the felon observed.  "She goes back home to mommy.  'Was that you, darling?'  And then she gets the hell knocked out of her.  Her mother is a big fan of ours.  Her father too."  Sounds like it.  Should we be surprised when a rapist is excited by violence against women?

"They want to do things like no more cows and no windows in buildings," he told supporters in Las Vegas.  "Honestly, they're crazy."  That loud twang was Trump's mind breaking free of its last mooring line.  At this point he's just playing free jazz, no chords, no melody, an endless improvisation on nothing.  It's not surprising the fans are drifting away.  Every day a new word or oral sound.  "Take a look...you gotta see the bathrooms that they project for, uh, people.   Basically, water-free bathrooms, water free, no water."  He used to just complain about low pressure and needing ten flushes to deal with his Big Mac movements.  In Trump's future, we will all wear diapers.

Sometimes it's still instructive to watch his "mind" grab a sweater and a sandwich and go for a walk.  In Detroit a sycophant asked, "What did you do with your children to make them so responsible and so involved in everything you do?"  Well, he told them not to drink, smoke or do drugs, he says.  Father of the Year stuff.  (And to trust no one, which is a little creepier.)  Then he rambled for nearly ten minutes about how all the really cool countries, like the Philippines, have a death penalty for drug dealers.  Now why would thinking about, say, Don Junior remind him of drugs?  The sycophant didn't ask.  Nor did he inquire which of the boys Daddy slugged for not wearing a suit and tie when presenting himself for a trip to Yankee Stadium, because violence against children is also fine.  Tough love, I think the psychopaths call it.

Since Trump only talks to sycophants, no one has asked or will ask about the Abbott Point of Care testing machines he sent to the boss in Moscow in the darkest days of the covid pandemic, when American governors had to grovel to Jared Kushner for PPE and respirators.  Bob Woodward's new book War, to be published Tuesday, has the story (might be something the "legendary" reporter could have revealed a while ago), and Kremlin mouthpiece Dmitri Peskov confirms it.  Of course it's both appalling and unsurprising.  There's also no evidence that anyone but Putin and his cronies benefited from Trump's generosity, as ordinary Russians died by the thousands.   Remember?

 

Speaking of cowardice, the "Fight!  Fight!  Fight!" candidate is terrified of Iranian assassins disguised as Philadelphia school children or something.  He wants to be carted around the country in military aircraft and for the FAA to restrict flights over his various trash palaces in case Iran sends bombers.  And bulletproof glass for his hate rallies and probably food tasters for the crap he eats.  And all Motel a Lago members must walk around naked to demonstrate that they are unarmed.  (I made that up but why not?)  

Interviewed by the queen of the sycophants Maria Bartiromo, Trump also suggested that the national guard be activated on election day to protect America from "the enemy from within...sick people."  Who could that be?  Radical left lunatics who try to vote, of course, or as he calls it, "chaos."  "We can't let that happen."  Plenty of red state legislatures are already working on the problem, of course, and if a few manage to slip past the new voter-restriction laws and defy the armed Trumpanzee "poll watchers," the legislators themselves will step up and choose the right electors.  Russia, Hungary, North Korea, they don't have these problems.

Describing Elon Musk as "a great business guy, actually," the multiple bankrupt also informed Bartiromo that his new kushner will be "secretary of cost cutting."  He is fully qualified for the position because he invented...a screw.  "Screws are difficult and it's made out of titanium and it's so exciting."  Maybe he also invented titanium.  "He's made me a promise he'll get to Mars before the end of my administration, which will be long before hopefully China or Russia.  I created Space Force."  Does Fox edit this stuff before airing it?

Earlier this month Trump visited a cemetery, and that's always bad.  Accompanied by some Jews who don't "need their head examined" and the family of hostage Edan Alexander he pretended to pray at the grave of Menachem Schneerson in Queens on the anniversary of the Hamas terrorist attack in Israel.  He wore a kippah and his trademark idiot grin and offered to autograph the prayer book the rabbi had given him to hold.  (Trump believes his rabid-squirrel-EEG signature enhances the value of anything -- a Bible, an American flag, the Declaration of Independence.)  The Lubavitchers, of whom Rabbi Schneerson was the leader, have a complicated relationship with Israel and secular Zionism, which undermines Trump's belief that all American Jews are just Israelis who haven't moved there yet.  Trump did not address this detail, if he is even aware of it.  Nor did anyone ask Holocaust survivor Jerry Wartski how he felt when listening to Trump's characterization of immigrants as "vermin" who are "poisoning the blood" of the nation.  Trump's wisdom consisted of "It's gonna work out, we're gonna make it work out, we've gotta get that guy back, right?"  And if not, it's Kamala's fault, right?

So much for Trump's mental health, such as it is.  What about his fabulous body?  Kamala Harris's campaign released her medical report (her doctor called her April physical "unremarkable" and pronounced her "in excellent health.")  Trump will not even let a real (sober) doctor talk about his grievous ear wound, but he did send Mike Johnson to Meet the Press to explain that the obese and increasingly incoherent 78-year-old transcends mere science.  "Donald Trump's health is on display.  Everyone in America can see it," he told Kristen Welker, his little face as straight as he can get it.  "The man works non-stop.  He never quits.  He probably sleeps four hours a night.  He doesn't require as much sleep as the average person.  He's an unusual figure."  (Sounds like somebody gets enraged phone calls at 3 am.)  Welker stopped him in mid-panegyric:  "Just to be clear, he has not released all his medical records.  He released two letters."  Obediently, the small man kept swiveling back to the cost of groceries and how our enemies don't fear Harris and I think he lapsed into glossolalia for a few seconds.  It looks like Trump's weight and Adderall intake will remain secret until the necropsy.

I've been away from the internet, so I missed the un-personing of Mark Robinson and the rehabilitation of Kim Reynolds.  When his sleazy comments on a porn site were revealed, "Martin Luther King on steroids" became "Mark Who?"  Reynolds was once proclaimed "the MOST UNPOPULAR GOVERNOR IN THE NATION" for supporting Ron DeSantis during the primaries, but she got invited to tour North Carolina with Trump alongside luminaries like Hogan Gidley and Kash Patel.  I'm sure Tarheel voters were impressed as hell with the penitent governor of Iowa as soon as they found out who she is.  This kind of thing used to happen all the time, but skilled technicians had to airbrush you out of the photo of Comrade Marshal Stalin.  AI is more user friendly.

Speaking of DeSantis, he's the same class act we remember from last winter, refusing to meet Joe Biden when the president (he's still president, right?) visited Florida after the state endured two horrific hurricanes in the space of a week.   Even Anna Paulina Luna Livia Plurabelle managed to clear her calendar.  

I had a thought somewhere in there when Trump was promising to deport the documented, the undocumented, and at one point people whose parents weren't born here:  Maybe he's looked over the prenup and decided it's his best shot at getting rid of Melania without having to pay her off.  Melania, author of Melania, is out peddling her book and getting paid to "campaign" for whatsisname, and there's only room for one grifter in that family.  A couple of weeks ago Laura Loomer was rubbing her surgical enhancements on the Big Man and I thought I could hear wedding bells, or at least the clink of her handcuffs.  Just a thought.