No mas! No mas!
As my grandmother would say, she handed him his ass. It was glorious.
With occasional but devastating fact-checks by Linsey Davis and David Muir -- it can be done! -- Kamala Harris called out every lie in the time allotted and scored almost every point she needed. Not only did he repeat the whopper about "executing the baby" after birth, he confused Virginia with West Virginia. He boasted of attending the Wharton School (where instructors thought he was an idiot) and she had to explain that high tariffs would be devastating for the American economy. She poked him in his tenderest spot, his rallies. ("We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.") This led him to how only he can prevent World War III, which gave her the opening she needed: "I have traveled the world as Vice President of the United States, and world leaders are laughing at Donald Trump...military leaders...say you're a disgrace."
Harris brought up Ukraine, causing Trump to forget that his mic was off. If not for western allies, she said, "Putin would be sitting in Kyiv with his eyes on the rest of Europe, starting with Poland. Why don't you tell the 800,000 Polish-Americans right here in Pennsylvania how quickly you would give up...and what you think is a friendship with what is known to be a dictator who would eat you for lunch." "Putin would be sitting in Moscow," he retorted, displaying his knowledge of European capitals. "Quiet, please. But eventually, you know, he's got a thing that other people don't have. He's got nuclear weapons. They don't ever talk about that."
Putin talks constantly about it, after every battlefield reverse. Is that why he should get everything he wants? NATO also has nuclear weapons, as does the US. Is there a point here? Or is Trump just Putin's bitch? And he once proposed using a nuke to stop a hurricane. Fortunately Harris didn't point that out.
After she worked his body for about an hour it was obvious how much he longed for a different opponent. "She got no votes. He got fourteen million votes. You talk about a threat to democracy? They threw him out of office! I'll give you a little secret -- he hates her!" I want Joe Biden, I want Joe Biden! Harris laughed. She laughed a lot.
If it was a fight they would have stopped it. By the end he was babbling about how "they're eating the dogs, the people that came in. They're eating the cats." Referee: "You bring up Springfield, Ohio, and ABC News did reach out to the city manager...no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured or abused by individuals within the immigrant community." To which the Queens Bleeder could only mumble, "Well, I've seen people on television." No wonder he whined today, "I think ABC took a big hit last night. To be honest, they're a news organization. They ought to take away their license for the way they did that." He also assured Fox & Friends that it was "maybe my best debate ever." The Friends are not in the business of contradicting liars.
The fight was over, but the repercussions were just beginning. To nobody's surprise, Taylor Swift soon endorsed Kamala Harris in an Instagram signed "Childless Cat Lady." Elon Musk had a mental episode, Xweeting, "Fine Taylor...I will give you a child and guard your cats with my life." (Creepiest stalker she's ever had, I'll bet.) Investors could hardly wait for the opening bell to dump their Trump Media & Technology stock; you can pick up a share for about $15 if you want a certificate as a gag Christmas present. Lindsey Graham demanded that Trump's debate team be fired, which is like fixing the White Sox by firing the bullpen coach. Harris's team suggested a second debate, but nobody has heard from Russia Tonight about scheduling.
Here's where the Trump-Vance campaign is today: J.D. Vance more or less admitted that the cat buffet stories are what S.J. Perelman would call "so much chin music," but called on his supporters to keep circulating the lies in case they turn out to be true. "Don't let the crybabies in the media dissuade you, fellow patriots. Keep the cat memes flowing." Screw the facts, we answer to a higher authority: MAGA! He might actually be worse than Trump -- younger, smarter, evil rather than demented.
The champ and the chump met up a few hours later in lower Manhattan for the annual remembrance of September 11 -- is it really twenty-three years? I was impressed that they shook hands cordially. Last night she stepped over to shake Trump's hand and he clearly wasn't expecting it -- he looked startled. (It was their first meeting because the classless clown skipped the Biden-Harris inauguration. Normally only death prevents a president from witnessing his successor's swearing-in.) Later today they will both attend the memorial in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, while Harris and Joe Biden go on to the service at the Pentagon. Even "a noun, a verb and 9/11" was present, in case process servers for Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman are looking for him.
Trump has a bad history with 9/11, starting with his assertion that he saw "Muslims dancing in the streets of Jersey City," though no one else saw them. He insisted he had attended "dozens" of memorial services, apparently in disguise, and had given bigly to charities for the families of the lost. No receipts. He was proud to proclaim himself the landlord of the tallest building in lower Manhattan after the Towers fell. So he can't have been shocked this morning when hecklers shouted, "Where were you for twenty years?" During the moment of silence he was seen winking at photographers and looking around -- just as Queen Elizabeth is supposed to have complained that he seemed to be searching for "someone more interesting" -- but we have all witnessed his inappropriate behavior at Arlington and elsewhere. At least there was no thumbs-up grin this time.
A tech site called The Verge addressed in great detail the rumor that Kamala Harris was being coached through her earrings. The way ears keep coming up in this election season is just...weird.
"Trump debate team: stay calm, focused, stay on policy, stay serious, focused. Trump: They are eating dogs." You can depend on Jared Moskowitz to bring the funny.
"They should debate again. If Trump can get a doctor's note to return to the ring." Eric Swalwell picks up the fight metaphor.
"The media! The media! Unfair!" Virtually all Republicans.
The German foreign ministry was watching and responded to Trump's claim that Harris doesn't want "normal" (fossil fuel) energy plants, while Germany tried renewables and abandoned them in a year. "Germany's energy system is fully operational, with more than 50% renewables. And we are shutting down -- not building -- coal and nuclear plants. Coal will be off the grid by 2038 at the latest. PS: We also don't eat cats and dogs." Frack you, Donnie.
I need help with this one: Harris is a "radical leftist" who wants "transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison." Will they be performed by Dr. Hannibal Lecter? Davis and Muir were too stunned to fact-check. I don't blame them. I thought the operations were being done on children at school. Or was it cats? This election can't be over soon enough. Election Day is not a holiday here, as it should be (most countries hold elections on the weekend), but we're all going to need a mental health day. Or week.
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