Locker room talk

"You're the greatest debater in the world, sir, possibly the greatest of all time including the late, great Abe Lincoln.  There's no need for practice.  You'll handle the uppity woman the way you handled old Joe Biden, practically a vegetable like you said to Leon Musk.  Many people are saying she's too prepared and she has a weird laugh.  Not like yours.  In fact, no one has ever heard yours, it's too amazing for most people, they wouldn't recognize it.  You should get in some golf, maybe hit a couple of those hole-in-one things that you specialize in.  Then a nap and some of the special debate powder that young Donald dropped off."

Don't let him watch television.  For God's sake, if he sees the new spot they made out of Obama's convention speech, where he does that thing with his hands, oh jeez, he'll take the place apart again.  He forgets he's almost eighty.  Ronny Jackson says his BP was off the charts.  

If he wakes up, tell him he's booked into the Tucson Convention Center on Thursday.  Don't tell him he's doing the Linda Ronstadt Theater because it only holds 2,195 people.  It's still part of the convention center, isn't it?  Well, Emhoff is in town, too, and we weren't sure we could fill the Ronstadt.  And don't tell him the city demanded $145,000 up front.  Yeah, we owed for some past rallies.  You know how he hates paying for anything.

No, they haven't shut the government down yet, but they're working on it.  That asshole we got for a Speaker is useless, he wants to push his funding bill just because it's an election year.  There's a big hurricane headed for Louisiana and he's worried about that, too, like how would it look if FEMA couldn't come in.  When you're the Speaker you're supposed to cruise to another term, and he doesn't want to get his butt kicked.  We got Greene on it -- yeah, the one that looks like Barney Rubble but she can stir up a shitstorm that would shut down the Chinese army.  It's pretty much all she does.  And that moron in the Senate?  You know, "call me coach"?  He's blocking the guy who's supposed to take command of the whole Pacific.  Austin is spitting nails.

Maybe don't mention how we're fucking with the Army.  Or the generals and admirals who blame him for the Afghanistan mess.  Or that Gold Star guy, what's his name, Khan.  The whole Arlington disaster is starting to die down.  I just hope it doesn't come up tonight.

Oh, that thing Miller invented, about all the cats and dogs in Ohio getting eaten by Haitians?  Sure, they're documented but they're Haitian, so our voters are buying it.  That guy Vance makes my skin crawl but he's pounding it all over the place.  I wasn't sure about inviting Noem to the debate but it turns out nobody remembers the puppy and the goat.  Americans can't remember what they had for lunch, lucky for us.  

Four hours to go, fingers crossed it isn't another Economic Club disaster.  Who was in charge of his meds that day?  Well, fire the bitch.

Game on.

And don't let him hear you say WEIRD!