Duck soup
It isn't often you can watch a bonkers conspiracy theory evolve in real time. Remember this?
Within hours the victims were cats and dogs, an undisclosed number of them vanishing from the backyards or even the houses of terrified Real Americans. By this time the origins of what would once have been called an urban myth were being uncovered -- a Facebook post rife with hearsay, a racist infiltrating a city council meeting. Of course the story exploded when an actual presidential candidate, run ragged in a televised debate, began shouting, "They're eating the dogs and cats!" Now where did those dogs come from? A moderator immediately said the news organization had confirmed with the Springfield city manager that no pets were disappearing, and was attacked for ganging up on the liar. Within minutes, MAGA took up the cry: Dogs and cats! Being eaten!
"They're taking the geese!" Trump proclaimed yesterday in Tucson. "You know where the geese are, in the park, in the lake. And even walking off with their pets. My dog's been taken!"
Geese? What happened to the ducks? Do they have geese in Springfield, Ohio?
This is a goose. They don't look like ducks.
And this is a fat orange chicken. This is what Trump is being called because he won't agree to another debate with Kamala Harris. I think it's unfair. One more debate like Tuesday's could only create sympathy for the tired old man.
People love dogs and cats. They're less attached to ducks and they actively dislike geese, especially the noisy migratory ones who shit on lawns and fly into jet engines, making it necessary to land on the Hudson River (if you're lucky). I predict that by the next MAGA jamboree Trump will be lamenting the Haitian appetite for swans.
(There is evidence that the goose story originated with two impartial observers called Charlie Kirk and Junior Trump. As evidence Junior offered an anonymous 911 call on August 26 to which police responded but could find no evidence of four "Haitians" kidnapping geese from a park. Junior lamented, "It shouldn't be happening in America...You look at Haiti, you look at the demographic makeup, you look at the average IQ. If you import the third world into your country, you're going to become the third world. It's not racist, that's just fact." So what is the average IQ in Haiti? Kirk didn't pursue it. I'm starting to think he's not a real journalist.)
Beautiful, aren't they? I once sat in the park in Stratford, Ontario, and watched them for hours. They really line up and glide across the water like the dancers in Swan Lake. When they're in a hurry they use their wings to propel them like speedboats. Nobody had better mess with swans, especially a pair with a cygnet.
Back on land, Trump is still trying to process the Thrilla in Phila. Before it happened he was already complaining that Harris would be given the questions in advance, although a politically aware twelve-year-old would expect them to ask about immigration, abortion, the economy, fracking, Ukraine, health care -- was he expecting questions about the Civil War? The moderators are being blamed, especially Linsey Davis, in the charming language of Trumplandia ("puta muzzle on your chick moderator," "an idiot DEI moderator"). Then the full extent of the conspiracy was revealed: Davis and Kamala Harris both belonged to Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority -- on different campuses twelve years apart, but still.
Against such odds, Trump still insists he won, and that everyone at ABC News must be fired anyway. You'd expect him to be sending them -- not muffin baskets, maybe red hats and cases of expired Trump Water. Or at least some Paul Mitchell products for David Muir. ("They kept screaming at me. I said to myself, I always liked him but I'm not going to watch him anymore because he's not legit...And his hair's not as good as it used to be.")
Despite his victory, it appears that campaign personnel are being reshuffled. The sudden appearance of Islamophobic conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer at the candidate's side suggests she may replace Susie Wiles as co-chair. Apparently Trump was impressed by her commercial for dog food. ("I just ate dog food. It's human grade. Which means you and your dog can share a tasty, nutrient dense treat together.") Or by her assertion that a Harris White House would "smell like curry." Or her outing of Lindsey Graham, one of the worst-kept secrets in politics. Clearly she has much to add. I could listen to her call Margie Greene "a lying bitch" all day. She knows bitches. She eats dog food.
But the clangers continue. In Tucson yesterday he told the audience, "Pennsylvania, remember this when you have to go to vote." In California today he called her "Comrade Howard." His lies continue to inspire bomb threats and school evacuations in Springfield, Ohio. At least one evangelical leader, Russell Moore, has had enough: "The cruelty to and lying about Haitian immigrant families is satanic to the core. Children are terrified and God is mocked. The time for repentance is now." Trump does not do repentance.
But somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright, most likely in the vicinity of Tim Walz. People relax and respond to him, and even smile. In Grand Rapids he brought up the cat libel and the crowd answered, "We're not eating cats!" -- a variation on "We're not going back!" That's a crowd that's both informed and paying attention. Nobody left early. The October 1 debate with humanoid life form J.D. Vance should be fun.
Speaking of fun, Jared "Shecky" Moskowitz has some thoughts on Mike Johnson's baffling determination to shut down the federal government weeks before an election: They want to "hurt the economy and then prices will fall on sofas." Try the veal! It tastes just like cat.
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