The party of virtue

 We are witnessing the most unhinged political campaign of my life and it isn't even August.

Trump has lost his last tenuous connection to reality.  At 2 am, when reasonable people were asleep, he hit CapLock and wrote:  "RUSSIA NEVER INVADED UKRAINE UNDER TRUMP!  IRAN NEVER INVADED ISRAEL UNDER TRUMP!  NOBODY INVADED ANYBODY UNDER TRUMP!  CHINA NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF INVADING TAIWAN UNDER TRUMP!  BIGGEST EVER EMBARRASSMENT IN AFGHANISTAN WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED UNDER TRUMP!  THERE WAS NO INFLATION UNDER TRUMP!  WHAT A DIFFERENT WORLD IT WOULD BE UNDER TRUMP!!!"

Alarmed, I was about to search "Iran invades Israel" when I remembered -- it's Trump.  It's not supposed to make sense, any more than his surrogates do.  

Like Jesse Watters on "The Five," disturbed at White Dudes for Harris and its 200,000 participants.  Watters can't wrap his head around men voting "Democrat" because "it's not the party of virtue."  Or any other good stuff like strength and family.  Standard party line so far, but then he slipped out of the saddle:  "I heard the scientists say the other day that when a man votes for a woman, he actually transitions into a woman."  I assume it's temporary, like being turned into a newt.  A Fox spokesperson hastily assured men who had voted for Margie Greene or Tudor Dixon that Watters was joking, don't feminazis have a sense of humor?  But not before George Conway Xweeted, "It's an incredible tribute to the strength of the American economy that even someone this stupid can find a well-paying job."

Like Eric Trump, shocked that "after decades of unwavering love, support, golf memberships, family vacations and millions of dollars in support for his wonderful son," Cousin Fred has joined Team Kamala "simply to earn a quick buck."  Tell a man he should let his son die and move to Florida and he becomes Judas Iscariot to Daddy's Jesus.  Sad.  (Golf memberships?)

Like Marco Rubio, who was passed over for the running mate job but still has hopes.  "They called us weird so I'll call them weirder," he vowed, displaying his fine command of rhetoric.  "That's what I used to do back in high school."  Marco's glory days, most of them spent enduring swirlies.

Like J.D. Vance, whose past utterances cling to him like the toilet paper Trump walked up the steps to Air Force One.  In 2021 he told The Federalist, "We have to go to war" against "anti-child ideology" and the idea that women have the right to put career over babies, which can never make them happy.  How does he know?  He's a man and he knows things.  It's just science.

Every rightwing asshole has an opinion about Simone Biles, the world's greatest gymnast, so it's no surprise that Vance joined the pile-on in 2021 when she withdrew from the delayed Tokyo games.  "I think it reflects pretty poorly on our sort of therapeutic society that we try to praise people not for their moments of strength...but for their weakest moments."  Because the US women only won silver and it's all her fault.  Also, childless cat lady trying to fill the emptiness with a career, right, J.D.?  Right?

Like ex-sportscaster Sid Rosenberg, who allowed Trump to spew antisemitism on WABC radio with no objections.  They started with Trump's belief that any Jew who won't vote for him "is a fool" and went downhill fast.  Israel gets no respect anymore, whereas fifteen years ago no one could say a word against it.  "It's almost like, I mean, Chuck Schumer has become a Palestinian.  Chuck Schumer is officially now a Palestinian."  This is Trump's idea of abuse, like calling Obama a Muslim but worse.  Rosenberg chimes in:  "It's sad.  He is.  He is.  And they tell me that this, this Harris's husband, Doug Emhoff, is Jewish.  He's Jewish like Bernie Sanders is Jewish.  Are you kidding me?  He's a crappy Jew.  He's a horrible Jew."  With Jews like Rosenberg (I'm assuming), who needs Trump?  There's only one way to be a Jew, just as there's only one way to be a Christian.  Or a woman.  

Or gay.  I don't know who Michael Knowles is, but he has sussed out that Pete Buttigieg is only pretending to be gay so he can advance his career.  (Sorry, Chasten.)  "The guy went from being mayor of some town in Indiana" -- South Bend, Knowles, where Notre Dame is! -- "to being the transportation secretary pretty much based on nothing."  For sure he's no Elaine Chao.  "He says, shoot, man, I'm not gonna rise very far in liberal politics if I'm the most evil type of person in the world, a straight white man."  Shoot, man, it's diabolical.  So Knowles, where are you on the whole Michelle-Obama-is-a-man thing?

Like Joe Rogan, who -- no, I'm sorry, Rogan predicts that Kamala Harris will win.  He's not happy about it, but he's "just being honest."  (He thinks the Democrats should have nominated Tulsi Gabbard.) Et tu, Rogan?  All-caps TS coming your way.  Duck!

Trump's criterion for hiring people is physical appearance, which explains all his useless lawyers, staff and cabinet secretaries.  Not surprisingly it's his best argument to date about Harris:  World leaders will walk all over her.  "She'll be like a play toy," he assured Laura Ingraham.  "They look at her and they say, 'We can't believe we got so lucky.'  And I don't want to say as to why, but a lot of people understand it."  The last delivered straight to camera, while "HOO-EEEE!" echoed from a thousand bars.  This is the same idiot who fired Janet Yellen because he decided she was too short to head the Federal Reserve, who treats Chris Christie with contempt because he is fat, who ordered the doctor to exaggerate his height and downplay his weight in the summary of his annual physical.  We won't even discuss the orange clown makeup.  Mr. America.

Don't call him racist.  He's not racist.  He didn't even know Harris was anything but Indian "until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black...and now she wants to be known as Black."  As if anyone could be both.  That's the master campaigner before the National Association of Black Journalists convention in Chicago, which he agreed to attend on condition he be "questioned" by Harris Faulkner, who is not a journalist but is Black.  When a real journalist, Rachel Scott, called him on his racism and birtherism he retorted, "I don't think I've ever been asked a question in such a horrible manner" and complained of his "disgraceful" treatment.  He thought he would just sit there and express his "love" for the "Black population" and Faulkner would nod and smile and everyone would applaud.  Instead people shouted things like "You just lie!"  The 2 am rant is going to be historic.

Someone with access to Trump saliva (yech) should send it to Ancestry.com or another research company.  Imagine his horror when he finds out he's not just Scottish and German.  "But my beautiful blue eyes!  How can I be twelve percent Mongolian?  FAKE DNA!"  There are already plenty of Trumpers who don't believe in genetics (or evolution, or germ theory, or gravity).  What's one more?










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