Farts and giggles
To paraphrase the funniest line in Sunday Bloody Sunday, "Here come those tired old nukes." No sooner had the Ukraine aid bill passed the House than Sergei Lavrov popped up to warn yet again about the impending nuclear doom of the west. He says we want to "contain" Russia to the "last Ukrainian," whatever that means. Yawns. Putin is not the shiniest samovar in the dacha but even he knows better than to irradiate territory he wants to occupy. Mushroom clouds move around. In 1986 the world learned the truth about Chernobyl after high levels of radiation were detected in Sweden. Put your nukes away, Sergei, we've heard it before. Besides, it's Russia -- probably someone drained the rocket fuel and drank it long ago.
There was a minor outbreak of Hillary Derangement Syndrome but I think it's been contained. First disgraced ex-Speaker Kevin McCarthy went on Fox to tell Howard Kurtz that she never conceded the 2016 election. "She called Donald Trump and conceded," Kurtz corrected. When McCarthy modified the lie ("she never in the press says that") Kurtz reminded him of her televised speech the next day. It's on YouTube. Now Tulsi Gabbard's new book -- I believe it's called Ooh, President Trump, I'll Do Anything To Be Your Running Mate! -- repeats the lie that Clinton said she was "groomed by the Russians" when she ran for president in 2020. Even in retirement she's driving them nuts, like a latter-day Eleanor Roosevelt.
Trump is not enjoying his trial one bit and Jesse Watters decided to help: "You're going to put a man who's almost 80, sitting in a room like this on his butt for all that time? It's not healthy...he needs sunlight and he needs activity...It's really cruel and unusual punishment to make a man do that. And any time he moves they threaten to throw him in prison." Moves? Don't you mean falls asleep and farts? Trump is not used to doing anything at 9:30 in the morning. In the White House years that was called "executive time," sprawling in bed watching Fox News and showing up to work around noon unless it was the day for a hate rally or golf. "Other than golf he considers exercise misguided, arguing that a person, like a battery, is born with a finite amount of energy," Evan Osnos wrote in the New Yorker back in 2017. It's not like he's suddenly interviewing personal trainers. What he hates is having people say disagreeable things about him without being able to yell or tweet abuse; and the sketch artists who refuse to glamorize him; and the crowds that are not showing up to terrorize the judges and court personnel on his behalf:
Don't worry -- the Biden campaign has already made Watters's remarks part of an ad.
He's especially not going to like Sidney Blumenthal in the Guardian, getting a touch Shakespearean: "He appears to pass through the seven ages of man in a blink of the eye without having gone through those of adulthood, leaping from caterwauling infant to angry curmudgeon, the stages from napping to napping." Natalie Harp won't be printing that out. I especially enjoyed "used to living the life of a sloth of the leisure class."
Meanwhile Newt Gingrich turned up Guess Where to moan that he really, really fears for Trump's safety in case "a totally corrupt judge and a totally corrupt district attorney are going to try to put a former president of the United States in jail...This is literally like some of the civil rights workers in Mississippi in the 1960s." (Closes eyes, tries to imagine civil rights worker flouting a dozen gag orders before breakfast and living to see the sun go down.) "I mean the whole thing frankly resembles On the Waterfront, Stanley Kubrick's brilliant film." Hold it right there, Pooter. You can misrepresent the entire civil rights era but when you confuse Stanley Kubrick with Elia Kazan, we have to step outside.
Now that he has to get up early like a farmer, Trump probably can't hate-watch Jimmy Kimmel. So he missed this: "If I was prosecuting this case I could get him to admit [having sex with Stormy Daniels] in one second. All you have to do is say, 'Clearly Mr. Trump was not attractive, famous or wealthy enough to entice such a desirable adult film star.' He'd jump up on his hands and knees and show you every position they did it in."
Here we go: "HIGHLY CONFLICTED, TO PUT IT MILDLY, JUDGE JUAN MERCHAN, HAS TAKEN AWAY MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH. EVERYBODY IS ALLOWED TO TALK AND LIE ABOUT ME, BUT I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DEFEND MYSELF. THIS IS A KANGAROO COURT, AND THE JUDGE SHOULD RECUSE HIMSELF!" (9 am today)
Have you never watched Law & Order? That's how trials work. Witnesses say things, called "testimony." Your lawyers can object to certain questions (not to the answers, the show always gets that wrong) and the judge rules on whether they are proper or not. Then your lawyers question the witnesses. What are you, seven? The Constitution you love to cite when not promising to abolish it "on day one" does not give you permission to interrupt. You have to sit there and listen. Sucks, doesn't it? Your lawyer already tried to convince the judge that you should be allowed to shitpost in violation of his multiple gag orders because FREE SPEECH. It didn't work. You have spent most of seven decades abusing the "Constitutional right to free speech," so now you can shut the fuck up and let other people talk. Let's break for lunch.
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