It'll be fine

 Republicans hate LGBTQ people, immigrants, Ukraine, Hollywood, Muslims, the poor and Democrats.  You knew that.  It appears they also hate one another.

Their current Speaker, Mike Johnson, wants to take the House contingent on a retreat to a nice resort in West Virginia but only about a hundred have brought back the permission slips he sent home.  Corporations and professional associations hold retreats all the time, but in the context of Moses Mike it sounds like he plans on a lot of praying and testifying.  Of course, that's not the excuse the others are giving.  "I have to run for governor." (Kelly Armstrong, ND) "I got a farm to run." (Tim Burchett, TN) "Doing the Bill Maher show."  (Nancy Mace, SC) "This place has just devolved into this bickering and nonsense and not really doing the job for the American people." (Ken Buck, CO, quitting Congress altogether next Friday)  It seems some of the boys are disappointed that Johnson chose "family friendly" Greenbriar instead of one of the Florida places they were looking forward to.  And after Ron DeSantis activated the Florida National Guard to protect residents from drunk politicians (or possibly college students) during spring break.  

If Johnson can't come up with a quorum there are plenty of non-Republicans who could fill those empty rooms.  People who listen to Junior Trump's podcast heard Tulsi Gabbard gush about how she'd love to be on his daddy's ticket so she can help stop the "warmongers" who "want to push us closer and closer to war" with her beloved Russia.  Aaron Rodgers, who might be Robert Kennedy Jr.'s running mate in the "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?" party, could be invited to share his interesting views on Sandy Hook Elementary School ("All those children never existed.  They were all actors").  There's always embattled Enid, Oklahoma, city councilman Judson Blevins, who some people would like to recall because of his membership in the Christofascist group Identity Evropa -- he was one of Trump's "very fine people" carrying a tiki torch in Charlottesville and chanting "Jews will not replace us."  Governor Kristi Noem needs a friend -- she's being sued over the video she posted on several platforms praising Smile Texas ("Official Dentist of the Miss Texas USA Pageant") for the set of teeth they made her.  Apparently there are no cosmetic dentistry practices in South Dakota.  

If they're all booked, ask Katie Britt for her impersonation of Scarlett Johansson.  Britt was thrilled to be mocked on Saturday Night Live by someone Ted Cruz finds "hot."  She wasn't sure at first about lying on national television but Speaker Mike assured her, "It'll be fine."  Just like Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio.  The president is Constitutionally required to deliver "from time to time" a report on the state of the union; it says nothing about a rebuttal.  If this is the best they can do...

It's election day in Russia and all polls suggest that Vladimir Putin will win another six years, or sixty, whatever.  In Borovsk, Vladimir Ovchinnikov will commemorate it in a painting and no one will come to arrest him because who cares what an 86-year-old painter in a provincial town thinks?  This is what he thinks of the war on Ukraine.

Perhaps by coincidence, an RAF plane carrying UK defense secretary Grant Shapps had its GPS signal jammed for half an hour over Kaliningrad, the Russian military hub.  Shapps was returning from observing a NATO exercise in Poland, one of the largest in years.

It's Thursday, so Putin made his weekly threat about using nuclear weapons to complement his broke-ass army.  Then he complained of being "taken out of context."  Then he said nuking Ukraine "never crossed his mind," as opposed to attacking nuclear power plants in Ukraine, totally different.

This is why two out of three Middle Eastern monotheisms don't want you to eat pork:

This is a brain scan of a 52-year-old man showing tapeworm eggs, probably from eating or handling undercooked bacon.  Can you say "cysticercosis"?  I sure as hell can't, but I'm glad to know it was cured with anti-parasitic and anti-inflammatory drugs.  Now he just has regular migraines.  Poor bastard.  

Lara Trump's RNC is getting leaner and meaner.  The completely qualified new chairperson has fired sixty reality-based employees who don't believe the 2020 election was RIGGED AND STOLLEN.  "Gutting a committee just before the election seems insane," said one, and it certainly echoes Stalin's purge of senior military officers months before the German invasion.  To paraphrase Comrade Nina Yakushova, "There are going to be fewer but better Republicans."  With less money -- only $8.7 million in the bank right now against the DNC's $24 million.  

Pretending to be flummoxed by the outlandish names of powerful Black women has become a rightwing pastime.  I believe Fox News docks your pay if you correctly pronounce Kamala Harris.  Now Alina Habba, of all people, has decided to stumble over Fani Willis.  ("Fanny...Fawn-ee...whatever it is.")  These people, why can't they call their children something American like Karen or Tiffany?  Not as funny as you think it is.

When Trump gives an interview you have to ask what time of day it is.  Medical professionals call it "sundowning" -- the increased likelihood that dementia patients will start out strong and become less lucid as the day wears on.  What time did he talk to Greg Kelly of Newsmax?  I ask because he was mentally back in 2016 repeating the idiocy about Hillary Clinton destroying emails "with acid."  He spends most of his time posting attacks on Nikki Haley.  Biden should debate him after 8 pm and be sure to bring up windmills.

Lauren Boebert is "surrounded by assassins," as the great Durante used to say.  She has dreamed up an invisible enemy she calls the "uniparty" which is determined to keep her from winning a seat, any seat, in the House.  She calls Ken Buck's early retirement "a swampy backroom deal" to rig an election by forcing a special election on the same day as the Colorado primary, which is bound to confuse low-information (Boebert) voters.  The swamp, the Deep State, the uniparty, the Illuminati, it's all a plot because they fear her.  Another conservative woman being "silenced."  If only.